26 August 2008

How to scare a telemarketer! :Tom Mabe video

This is just so funny! Do you ever get bothered by telemarketers? (silly question I know - who doesn't!), well I found this great video on Sjeltur's blog and just had to share it. Here's how to really scare a telemarketer the Tom Mabe way!

21 August 2008

How to take a shower!!!

I was going to keep this for the Monday Merriment post, but I can't wait that long - it's just too good not to share :-)

PART 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
*
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
*
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the
mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
*
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
*
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
*
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
*
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
*
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
*
Rinse conditioner off hair.
*
Shave armpits and legs.
*
Turn off shower.
*
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
*
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
*
Get out of shower.
*
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent
towel.
*
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
*
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
*
PART 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
*
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.
*
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy
at her while making the woo-hoo sound.
*
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. A dmire the size of your willy
and scratch your butt.
*
Get in the shower.
*
Wash your face.
*
Wash your armpits.
*
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
*
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
*
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
*
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
*
Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
*
Pee.
*
Rinse off and get out of shower.
*
Partially dry off.
*
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.
*
Admire willy size in mirror again.
*
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
*
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass the wife, pull
off towel, shake willy at her and make the woo-hoo sound again.
*
Throw wet towel on her pillow.
*
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something SO very wrong with you.
*

* *
Have a great day!
* *

*
Oh, and... **Woo-hoo!!!

20 August 2008

No 10 Downing Street & Jeremy Clarkson for PM video plus Clarkson & the worlds smallest car video!

Staff at No 10 Downing Street have made a YouTube video in response to an online petition on the No 10 website, which had nearly 50,000 signatures backing a call for Motoring broadcaster Jeremy Clarkson of the BBC programme Top Gear to be made Prime Minister.

The clip thanks everyone who signed the online petition and says officials have "thought long and hard" about it. The camera then pans up the famous Downing Street stairs, showing photographs of former prime ministers, before focusing on an image of Mr Clarkson.

The Jeremy Clarkson for PM petition is now closed but more than 100,000 people have joined a Facebook group calling for the outspoken presenter to be installed in Downing Street.

Mr Clarkson - whose views on motoring and the environment have earned him a cult following - recently confessed he would be a "rubbish" prime minister, adding that the government should be in charge of "building park benches and nothing else".

A new Downing Street petition urging the government not to bestow a knighthood on Mr Clarkson "until he has done something truly worthwhile and of benefit to the UK" has received so far 34 signatures.

For anyone not familiar with Jeremy Clarkson here is a hysterically funny video of him driving the worlds smallest car around the streets of London (not to mention the BBC offices!) If you've never seen this you'll be amazed :-)

18 August 2008

Jesus appears on Turtle Shell - for sale on eBay!

It would appear the latest appearance of Jesus is on a turtle shell, which has been compared to the face on the Turin Shroud, and it's now on sale on Ebay starting at 99c and already had one bid on it! (Update: bidding has now finished - sold for $34.77!)

To quote the seller "Instead of going to church on Sunday a few months back I very selfishly decided to make some extra needed income at the local flea market.

As I took a break from my booth to do some personal shopping I came across an old lady selling turtle shells. I had never seen anyone selling these things before, so I curiously scattered through the box of hand size turtle shells to see why the heck someone would buy a hollowed out turtle in the first place. So I grabbed a couple of shells and looked at them. I wasn't too interested until I put them down belly side up and I noticed a silhouette of a face...JESUS...the Shroud of Turin Jesus was looking right at me. (Even if you look at the other side you can see a likeliness of Jesus as well).

I thought to myself " MAN! Just because I'd rather make a little extra cash on Sunday instead of going to church, God rubs it in my face by showing his Son's face on a turtle??" So I bought it because I was actually going to get it blessed and make some kind of religious art with it."

If you fancy putting in a bid for it yourself the link is HERE.

Some Monday Merriment: cause we all need a smile!

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few
bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n
height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

***********************************************************************
It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.

He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.

Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.

"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."

Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.

One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"

"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.

***********************************************************************
This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse............Your call!


Is a computer male or female?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


17 August 2008

Create a word cloud graphic with new WORDLE!

Gotta tell you about this really great fun site I have discovered thanks to J.H. of TPVSWP. Its called WORDLE. Wordle is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text that you provide. The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the source text. You can tweak your clouds with different fonts, layouts, and color schemes. The images you create with Wordle are yours to use however you like. You can print them out, or save them to the Wordle gallery to share with your friends. There are loads of combinations of fonts, colours, layout styles & background colours (Colour/Edit custom palette) you can create.

Try putting in the URL of your blog or website and see what it generates, or a favourite piece of verse or text, such as the words to a song or poem (just copy & paste into the box). Keep hitting the randomize button until you find a look you like or customise with the options provided. If you have Vista you can use the Snipping Tool to create an image file to save to your hard drive, which you could use on your blog or website (Just bear in mind it will be a graphic so won't be searchable). Browse the gallery to see what others have created. Here's some I have created from my blogs, plus one from the words to the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam!




The Most Exciting Venues of Beijing Olympics 2008

Are you following the Olympics? Have you been impressed by the stadiums and venues we've seen? Like to know more? Then visit this website for some great details, statistics and pictures of the Bird Nest Stadium, the Watercube and the Rowing-Canoeing Park plus another 10 of the best. It's pretty impressive.

16 August 2008

Win FREE AdSpace on 10 blogs!

I can't wait to tell you about The AdSpace Contest I found!



The idea is simple and easy: Get as many entries as you can (very easy to do) over the next 30 days. The more entries you get, the better chance you have of winning! At the end of the 30 days, they announce the winner.

The prize?

A 125x125 pixel ad spot (above the fold) on at least TEN DIFFERENT BLOGS that will run for one month. That's at least a $100 value!

Who is co-hosting?





How do you enter to win?

1 Entry - Subscribe to any one of the blogs above via email.

10 Entries - Write a post about the contest (must include links to all 10 hosts OR use the suggested text)

25 Entries - Offer up an ad spot on your own blog for one month as part of the prize package

Simply put, you could subscribe to all 10 blogs, write a post and offer up your own ad spot for a grand total of 45 entries!



Be sure to include your details in the comments HERE and when and how you've entered to ensure that your entries get counted.

Olympics '08: Michael Phelps Swims Into History


14 August 2008

WordPerfect Helpline Conversation (an oldie but a goody!)

This is reputed to be actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee, apparently he was subsequently dismissed and sued the company for 'unfair dismissal'! Whatever the truth I'd like to think this conversation actually took place :-)

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power cut."

"A power... A power cut? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f-----g stupid to own a computer."


13 August 2008

Chinese left with egg on face after truth emerges!

Ha! So now it turns out that the pretty little girl singing at the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony was only miming (despite wearing a mike)- and not even to her own voice. Some poor little seven year old provided the voice but was deemed not pretty enough to project the right image the Communist party head honcho's wanted to portray.

Not only that, parts of the fireworks displays were either recorded earlier or actually graphically created on a computer! This has now all emerged after the Chinese Music Director for the ceremony was interviewed by the state radio station and confessed everything while denying it was his decision to replace the little girl. H had been made to do it he said.

Thats the problem with these types of regimes, image is everything and it's all about saving face. Unfortunately when it all comes out ( and it will, sooner or later - in this case it probably was a bit sooner than they expected) then they are left having to wipe a lot of egg off their faces and people no longer have any trust in them. And all you are left with as an observer is a bad taste in the mouth!

11 August 2008

Cake or Bed?

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
"FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "POWERGEN" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"

"FINE!"

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT"

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "FRIDGIDAIRE" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"

"FINE!" SHE SAYS
"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK"

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "TAYLOR WOODROW" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE "MR KIPLING" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"


10 August 2008

2008 Beijing Olympic Games Opening Ceremony

For anyone who missed the opening ceremony of the Olympics in Beijing I've posted this slide show. It's the best I could find on YouTube, sadly all videos of the ceremony have been taken off for copyright reasons. But this is very good and will give you some idea of the colour and scale of it.
Unfortunately I don't think the music used is suitable (I happen to like Enigma - just not in this context!) so if you find it annoying just turn the sound down and enjoy the slide show. (If you do like the music its Sadeness by Enigma - Video here.) I have now found another superb slide show (this time with Chinese music) HERE.

8 August 2008

A Few Thoughts on Cat Baths.........by the Cat!

Cat Bath 1
'But You Said You Loved Me!'
Cat Bath 2
'You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.'
Cat Bath 3
'You call this water warm???'
Cat Bath 4
'I don't think I like you anymore.'
Cat Bath 5
'You SUCK!!!!!!'
Cat Bath 6
'E.T. phone home......quick!'
Cat Bath 7
'No, I'm not your Good Little Kitty anymore.'
Cat Bath 8
'Traction....I'm losing Traction!'
Cat Bath 9
'I want my Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!'
Cat Bath 10
'No, no, no, no.....NOOOO!!!!'

7 August 2008

Enjoying retirement......

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a Sh *thead . He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age......

And then the fight started...........

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed overto my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a petrol station.....

And then the fight started....

*****************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. Itold the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, Do you know her? 'Yes,' I sighed, that's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

5 August 2008

The Ten Laws of Computing



1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural..

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

10 Alternative Laws of Computing

1. The more acronyms on a page, the harder the topic is to understand.

2. Inside every program is a small module struggling to find a life of its own.

3. Developeritus. Developers get their programs working perfectly on their machines, but they forget that their potential customers may have very different computer environments.

4. Computer project teams avoid monthly progress reporting because it demonstrates their lack of progress.

5. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the abilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

6. You will never solve any computer problem if you are in a bad mood.

7. When troubleshooting computer problems, people always assume that problem is the most obscure combination possible. Whereas, in reality the fault is invariably the simplest fault.

8. Every computer program expands to fill all the available memory.

9. If a computer supplier says a part is interchangeable, for example tape drives - they lie.

10. Remember that your computer makes as many mistakes in two pico seconds as fifty men working for a year.