12 November 2009

They live among us!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These are all from genuine British TV and radio quiz shows/phone in's

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. ... ..

Richard: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er .. .....

Richard: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller: Japan.

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er... .... ..

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

21 July 2009

How to turn your garage door into a work of art !

I saw these in the Daily Mail and just loved them! These utterly realistic images are printed on plastic sheets which are stuck on garage doors - the latest craze for home owners who want to not so much keep up with, as totally freak out, the Joneses.

There are loads of motifs available, from the Formula One racing cars, private jets, speedboats and the kind of equipment that any fledgling rock band would be proud to have left lying around in the garage. Even a Blackbird spyplane!


The weather and fire-resistant prints are designed to disguise that boring, flaky, greying metalwork. Held in place by industrial strength Velcro, they are easy to change and virtually indestructible.

The fashion started in Germany and is now being taken up by humorous garage owners over here. At £145, it's certainly quite a lot cheaper than a real sports car, jet fighter, or whatever.

And for the more imaginative customer, creator Thomas Sassenbach (www.styleyourgarage.com) will customise any image on request. Now, has anyone seen the pet crocodile today?




Swine Flu Jokes. The Definitive List

First we had, Aids, followed by SARS and foot & mouth. We then had bird flu and now Swine Flu... it's like Pokemon - I got to catch 'em all.


I called the Swine Flu hotline today but I couldn't get through... all I got was crackling!

---

How do you know if you have Swine Flu? You keep coming out in rashers!

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Doctor, Doctor. I think I have Swine Flu! Don't worry, just rub in this oinkment.

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Oinkment won't work for Mexican Swine Flu. You need Juantibiotics!

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Doctor, Doctor. I've just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.

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Doctor, Doctor. My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should I be worried?

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A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft hayputh, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"

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Sweating, excessive body odour and laziness. No wonder it went unnoticed for so long in Mexico.

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I won a holiday to Mexico, but I can't go and I'm pig sick about it.

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Feeling bored on the bus/train/underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...

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News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the a-pork-alypse!

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This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
this little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
and this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found out that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.

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THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.

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Swine Flu is caused by exposure to Gammon Rays.

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How did the 2 timing Mexican get into heaven? The swine flew!

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I'm worried I might have caught Swine Flu. I haven't been to Mexico but I've been with some pigs in my time!

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The reason Mexicans took so long to notice people with symptoms including "sweating, excessive body odour and laziness" was because they are so used to Yanks visiting their country.

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Apparently over 6 billion emails have been sent out in the last week about Swine Flu. Duh! Didn't you know spam comes from pigs.

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A lion, a bear and a pig are in the pub, showing off.
The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself..."

---

Watch out for the following:

• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper: things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills; Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight: Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for trewatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.

Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment.

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So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off...

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FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection.

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After watching Arsenal's performance last night surely Mexican striker Carlos Vela should have played. I mean, who's gonna mark him?

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With Swine Flu spreading fast, I bet Kermit the Frog is panicking.

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This Swine Flu is bad, i must have had it for about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!

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Apparently, the BBC reports that the symptoms of Swine Flu are intense sweating, incoherent speech, pungent body odour and fatigue. I always knew there was something odd about Gordon Brown...

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Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?

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You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.

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Mad Cow Disease: Named after my wife. Swine Flu: Named after her mother.

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Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasn't really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it.

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Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

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Funny how 90 people get the Swine Flu and everyone wears face masks, but millions get Aids and no-one wears condoms.

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Half price on return flights to Mexico, Its not like you're coming back is it?

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The pigs are giving people the 'flu. As if arresting you on jumped up charges isn't bad enough...

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I just heard on the news that, "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then isn’t it.

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Apparently the first symptom of Swine Flu is that you get the trotts.

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All of this makes me feel like America will view the term "Pigging Out" very differently from now on.

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El Paso Fah.....Fahhhhh.........Faaaajita!

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Swine flu has been reported in Israel. Oh the irony!

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If only pigs didn't know how to build brick houses, the common wolf would have eradicated any chance of Swine flu years ago.

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I never thought I'd be personally affected by the two dreaded words "pig" and "flu". Now my entire home has been decimated by it ... Police helicopter just crashed into the roof!

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Swine flu. Mexico's revenge for the Alamo!

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Looks like I'm going to have to cancel my salsa lessons.

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If pig flu and bird flu meet up, what are we in for then? Flying pig flu?

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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have Swine Flu
And now so do you

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As paranoia hits Britain about contracting Swine Flu the Government issues the warning of the importance of hand washing, cleaning and general hygiene. Shocking that the first two cases in the UK are in Scotland!

5 April 2009

More from the Pavement Picasso: Julian Beever


Julian Beever is an English, Belgium-based chalk artist who has been creating trompe-l'œil chalk drawings on pavement surfaces since the mid-1990s. His works are created using a projection called anamorphosis, and create the illusion of three dimensions when viewed from the correct angle.

Beever works as a freelance artist and creates murals for companies. He has worked in the UK, Belgium, France, The Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Denmark, Spain, the U.S., Australia, Mexico, Brazil and Argentina.

This video is a compilation of some of his latest work, visit his official website at http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/ to see more of his fantastic work.

1 April 2009

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed > on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

9 March 2009

This is what sorry looks like!


This is what tired looks like!

This is what bad spelling looks like!

This is what intimacy looks like!

This is what courage looks like!

This is what a helping hand looks like!

This is what a bad mood looks like!

This is what cold looks like!

24 February 2009

Alert -UK Driving Licence Fiasco!

FOR THOSE OF YOU WITH NEW STYLE UK DRIVING LICENCES

Your Driving Licence - Beware! Please pass on to all friends/colleagues

Unwitting motorists face £1,000 fines as thousands of photo card driving licences expire.

Thousands of motorists are at risk of being fined up to £1,000 because they are unwittingly driving without a valid licence.

They risk prosecution after failing to spot the extremely small print on their photo card licence which says it automatically expires after 10 years and has to be renewed - even though drivers are licensed to drive until the age of 70.

The fiasco has come to light a decade after the first batch of photo licences was issued in July 1998, just as the they start to expire.

Motoring organisations blamed the Government for the fiasco and said 'most' drivers believed their licences were for life.

A mock-up driving licence from 1998 when the photo cards were launched shows the imminent expiry date as item '4b'

They said officials had failed to publicise sufficiently the fact that new-style licences - unlike the old paper ones - expire after a set period and have to be renewed.

To rub salt into wounds, drivers will have to a pay £17.50 to renew their card - a charge which critics have condemned as a 'stealth tax' and which will earn the Treasury an estimated £437million over 25 years.

Official DVLA figures reveal that while 16,136 expired this summer, so far only 11,566 drivers have renewed, leaving 4,570 outstanding.

With another 300,000 photo card licences due to expire over the coming year, experts fear the number of invalid licences will soar, putting thousands more drivers in breach of the law and at risk of a fine.

At the heart of the confusion is the small print on the tiny credit-card-size photo licence, which is used in conjunction with the paper version.

Just below the driver name on the front of the photo card licence is a series of dates and details - each one numbered.

Number 4b features a date in tiny writing, but no explicit explanation as to what it means.

The date's significance is only explained if the driver turns over the card and reads the key on the back which states that '4b' means 'licence valid to'.

Even more confusingly, an adjacent table on the rear of the card sets out how long the driver is registered to hold a licence - that is until his or her 70th birthday.

A total of 25million new-style licences have been issued but - motoring experts say - drivers were never sufficiently warned they would expire after 10 years.

Motorists who fail to renew their licences in time are allowed to continue driving. But the DVLA says they could be charged with 'failing to surrender their licence', an offence carrying a £1,000 fine.

AA president, Edmund King said: 'It is not generally known that photo card licences expire: there appears to be a lack of information that people will have to renew these licences.

'People think they have already paid them for once over and that is it.
'It will come as a surprise to motorists and a shock that they have to pay an extra £17.50.'

The AA called on the Government to use the annual £450million from traffic enforcement fines to offset the renewal charge.

8 February 2009

So is Antarctica warming up? - NOT!

I came across this rather revealing article by Christopher Booker in the Telegraph and it makes very interesting reading for anyone who is not aware of the truth about the so called warming up of Antartica!

"There has been a hilarious twist to the bid by the shock troops of the global warming scare to pretend that, contrary to all the evidence, Antarctica has lately been warming up, Behind this claim were scientists belonging to America’s leading pro-warmist blog RealClimate, including Michael Mann, creator of the notorious â hockey stick’ graph, and Dr James Hansen’s colleague Gavin Schmidt of the Goddard Institute for Space Studies.

When their allies at Nature made a cover story of their claims, this hit headlines across the world, trumpeted by all the usual suspects, from the BBC to the Guardian’s George Monbiot. But they hadn’t reckoned with the forensic expertise of the two leading US science blogs, Anthony Watts’s Watts Up With That and Climate Audit, run by Steve McIntyre, the chief demolisher of the â hockey stick’.

Combing through the data they discovered that the chief evidence for a warming Antarctica came from a single weather station, 'Harry’. But the data for 'Harry’ was not all it seemed. Secretly spliced in with it were lower temperature readings from a quite different weather station, 'Gill’, so that the higher and later temperatures from 'Harry’ (cocooned for several years in snow) made it look as though there had been a warming which didn’t exist.

So embarrassed was Schmidt when this sleight of hand was exposed that he pretended it had come to light through an 'independent’ observer, who was then revealed to be himself (after reading the blogs run by his more assiduous critics). But perhaps Nature, Moonbat and Co. should apologise to their readers for having been fooled by such chicanery."

SOURCE

1 February 2009

VLC Media Player plays all file formats


If you've been trying to find a media player that will play all your file formats, with no need for extra codecs etc, then look no further, as I may have found just the thing for you! VLC Media Player, a Free and Open Source cross-platform media player from Videolan can play various audio and video formats (MPEG-1, MPEG-2, MPEG-4, DivX, flv, wmv, avi, mp3, ogg and many more...) as well as DVDs, VCDs, and various streaming protocols. It can also be used as a server to stream in unicast or multicast in IPv4 or IPv6 on a high-bandwidth network. Because of its open-source foundation, VLC Media Player evolves quickly, with new features and fixes released frequently.

I have used it to play MPEG-4, MOV, wmv, avi, flv and mp3 files so far, with excellent results and it's great having to use only the one player instead of several different depending on the file type.

Though the interface varies from platform to platform, the default interface is simple and clean. The skinned mode perks things up slightly, but the program seems to suffer from unpredictable behavior when skinned. Overall though, VLC Media Player is a must-have application for its ability to open just about any type of video file you throw at it.

DOWNLOAD VLC MEDIA PLAYER HERE

13 January 2009

Men vs Women!

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!
******************************************************
WIFE vs. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
********************************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he
knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
*********************************************************
WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
**********************************************************
SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
*********************************************************
WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
**********************************************************
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a
spider!
***********************************************************
CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
************************************************************
WHO DOES WHAT?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
***********************************************************