3 September 2010

New Zealand Earthquake strikes near Christchurch Video


A 7.0-magnitude earthquake has struck off New Zealand's South Island, the epicentre was 55km (35 miles) north-west of Christchurch, at a depth of 12 km (7.5 miles).

Police reported there had been damage to buildings and roads as well as power cuts, but no casualties were known. Residents of Christchurch, New Zealand's second largest city with a population of 386,000, said aftershocks were still continuing.

The earthquake struck at 0435 on Saturday local time (1635 GMT on Friday) when most people would have been asleep. Radio New Zealand reported that the quake was felt as a long rolling motion lasting up to 40 seconds, and that the area was continuing to feel aftershocks. The US Geological Survey said one aftershock had a magnitude of 5.7.

The local newspaper, The Press, said it was felt widely across the South Island, including Christchurch and the nearby port city of Timaru. Damage and power outages had been reported as far afield as Dunedin, 360km (223miles) to the south-west.

Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker said the "sharp, vicious earthquake" had caused significant damage in parts of the city. Chimneys and walls had fallen from older buildings, with roads blocked, traffic lights out and power, gas and water supplies disrupted, he added.

"There is considerable damage in the central city and we've also had reports of looting, just shop windows broken and easy picking of displays," police inspector Mike Coleman told Radio New Zealand. "It's very unsafe to be out and about."

Christchurch International Airport was closed after the earthquake as a precaution, as experts checked the runways and terminal buildings, a spokesman said.

Earthquakes were also experienced in Indonesia and Hawaii shortly adter the one in New Zealand.

Follow all the Tweets about the earthquake at TrendsMap

17 March 2010

Best Names Ever!


Customs Official : 'May I know your name?'

Passenger : 'Batman'

Customs Official : 'What's your name!?'

Passenger : 'My name is Bat-man'

Customs Official : 'Trying to be funny? What's your surname?'

Passenger : 'Super-man'

Customs Official : 'So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?'

Passenger : 'Yes'


Customs Official : 'Arrest this guy...


When they had him in custody, he was asked to show his identification card:



And also possibly the best name ever....


(must be the moustache!)

Hilarious History Exam Answers!

Another round robin I received by email this morning, I hadn't seen these before and when I read them I thought they were hilarious. I'm sharing them for anyone else that's not read them as I enjoyed them so much and hope you do too.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada .

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul . The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic . His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe .

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America 's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

24. Meanwhile in Europe , the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.


26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Still reading? Have you no work to do?

32. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

15 March 2010

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet...

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts...

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!
(or I probably would be if I were a man :-)

Men are like.....

1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..

5. Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like
Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

3 March 2010

Hilarious Personal Ad I really, really want to be true!

I got this in my inbox this morning and it was too good not to share. Now normally I'd check anything like this for authenticity on snopes.com but this time I haven't because I really, really want it to be true!

It's supposedly an actual personal ad placed in the 'Savannah Tribune' newspaper in December 2009.

AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you. but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

5 February 2010

Climate scepticism 'on the rise', BBC poll shows

There has been an increase in the number of British people who are sceptical about climate change, a poll commissioned by BBC News has suggested.

It showed that 25% of those questioned did not think global warming was happening, an increase of 10% since a similar poll was conducted in November.

The percentage of respondents who said climate change was a reality had fallen from 83% in November to 75%.

The poll, based on a sample group of 1,001 adults, was conducted by Populus.

The findings, based on interviews carried out on 3-4 February, show that only 26% of people think "climate change is happening and is now established as largely man-made", only 1% more than those who think there is no global warming.

In November 2009, a similar poll by Populus - commissioned by the Times newspaper - showed that 41% agreed that climate change was happening and it was largely the result of human activities.

Read the whole article and see the graphs HERE

Alaskan Job vacancy . . .Must be fast on your feet!

Position: Surveyor
Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)
Qualifications: Must be fast on your feet!



This one's my personal favourite - peekaboo!



Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bear's breakfast your buddy is standing there taking photos?

30 January 2010

Amazing Pic! Northern Lights from Space Station


Fantastic NASA photographs taken by astronauts travelling on the International Space Station and during missions on board space shuttles have shown that nature's light show is clearly visible miles outside the Earth's atmosphere.

The shimmering waves and swirls, caused by charged particles colliding in the earth's atmosphere, are usually observed from the polar regions, yet rarely seen from above.

The aurora borealis - or Northern Lights - most often occurs from September to October and from March to April and is visible in the northern hemisphere.

Its southern counterpart, the aurora australis – Latin for South – is visible from Antarctica, South America and Australasia.

Both are caused by an interaction between the Earth's magnetic field and solar wind. Charged particles from the magnetosphere, mostly electrons, collide with atoms and molecules from the upper atmosphere at altitudes of 50 miles, causing the eerie light.

Collisions in the atmosphere cause the electrons to take quantum leaps, converting their energy into a visible light.

The luminous waves are usually red or green, created from atomic oxygen, but nitrogen can cause pink or blue auroras and helium gives off a purple glow. Neon is responsible for the rare orange flares.

The auroras' ghostly glow has proved the inspiration for literature and film, including Philip Pullman's novel, 'Northern Lights'.

29 January 2010

Great Lines from Teachers & Cops

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are they funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy..

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5.. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much..

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These next are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

13 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

14 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

15 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

16 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired..'

16 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

17 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

18 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

19 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

20 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

21 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

22 'Yeah, we have a quota.. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

23 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

24 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

25 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

26 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

27 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

14 January 2010

More than 50,000 dead in Haiti Earthquake

Idiots to feel sorry for?

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said,' Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back.'

She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!

Do not confuse the staff at MaccyD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since.

Sighted in Moor Park, Nr Watford, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign on our road. She said the reason was : 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore'.

Sighted in Potters Bar, Herts, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'.

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

Sighted in South Oxhey Herts, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Sighting at Luton Airport, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #6


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing
with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow, Middlesex, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'

Sighted at a Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #8

A coach party were out for the day, stopped of at a refreshment halt in Hertforshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for "Six decaffinated please" to which the girl replied:

"Sorry, we only do coffee!".

Story sighted in Luton Probus.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us, and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and to REPRODUCE!

11 January 2010

The Buffalo Theory, or an appreciation of Beer

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.