30 January 2010

Amazing Pic! Northern Lights from Space Station

Fantastic NASA photographs taken by astronauts travelling on the International Space Station and during missions on board space shuttles have shown that nature's light show is clearly visible miles outside the Earth's atmosphere.

The shimmering waves and swirls, caused by charged particles colliding in the earth's atmosphere, are usually observed from the polar regions, yet rarely seen from above.

The aurora borealis - or Northern Lights - most often occurs from September to October and from March to April and is visible in the northern hemisphere.

Its southern counterpart, the aurora australis – Latin for South – is visible from Antarctica, South America and Australasia.

Both are caused by an interaction between the Earth's magnetic field and solar wind. Charged particles from the magnetosphere, mostly electrons, collide with atoms and molecules from the upper atmosphere at altitudes of 50 miles, causing the eerie light.

Collisions in the atmosphere cause the electrons to take quantum leaps, converting their energy into a visible light.

The luminous waves are usually red or green, created from atomic oxygen, but nitrogen can cause pink or blue auroras and helium gives off a purple glow. Neon is responsible for the rare orange flares.

The auroras' ghostly glow has proved the inspiration for literature and film, including Philip Pullman's novel, 'Northern Lights'.

29 January 2010

Great Lines from Teachers & Cops

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are they funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy..

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5.. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much..

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These next are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

13 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

14 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

15 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

16 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired..'

16 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

17 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

18 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

19 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

20 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

21 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

22 'Yeah, we have a quota.. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

23 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

24 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

25 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

26 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'


27 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

14 January 2010

More than 50,000 dead in Haiti Earthquake

Idiots to feel sorry for?


My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said,' Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back.'

She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!

Do not confuse the staff at MaccyD's.


We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since.

Sighted in Moor Park, Nr Watford, UK.


I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign on our road. She said the reason was : 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore'.

Sighted in Potters Bar, Herts, UK.


My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'.

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

Sighted in South Oxhey Herts, UK.


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Sighting at Luton Airport, UK.


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing
with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow, Middlesex, UK.


When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'

Sighted at a Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire, UK.


A coach party were out for the day, stopped of at a refreshment halt in Hertforshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for "Six decaffinated please" to which the girl replied:

"Sorry, we only do coffee!".

Story sighted in Luton Probus.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us, and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and to REPRODUCE!

11 January 2010

The Buffalo Theory, or an appreciation of Beer

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.