14 August 2011

The U.S. Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of Pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. 

5 May 2011

Why I'm Divorced!

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well  waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say - 
'Happy Birthday!',  
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, 
but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick said.

 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. 
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door 
  and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, 
  and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
  just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing
  I've heard all day. Let's go!' 

  We went to lunch.
  But we didn't go where we normally would go.
  He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
  We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. 

  On the way back to the office,
  Rick said, 'You know,  It's such a beautiful day... 
  We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' 

  I responded, 'I guess not.    What do you have in mind?'


He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' 
 

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
  If you don't mind,  I'm going to step into the bedroom 
  for just a moment.   I'll be right back.


'Ok.' I nervously replied. 

  He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, 
  he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... 
  Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends 
  and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
  
  And I just sat there.... 

  On the couch.... 

  Naked.

12 January 2011

The Sex of Computers

The battle of the sexes continues....

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'


A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;


2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;


3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and


4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;


3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.