News, Views, Thrills and Spills!

The U.S. Recession

2011-08-14T12:35:00.000+01:00

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of Pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Why I'm Divorced!

2011-05-05T20:22:00.001+01:00

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say -

'Happy Birthday!',

and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,

but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick said.

'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

Bin Laden Jokes

2011-05-05T20:20:00.000+01:00

Elton John is to write a tribute song following Bin Laden's death."Sandals in the Bin"

Bin Laden dead, and in other Breaking News, Chuck Norris returns home from holiday in Pakistan...

Apparently Bin Laden had a $25 million tag on his head. What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?

Saddam Hussain. ☑
Osama Bin Laden ☑
Julius Malema. ☐

Just proves you can take the bin out on a public holiday ...

Bin Laden's final words ... "I need a house full of Navy Seals like I need a hole in the head".

Bin Laden dead - Best player at Hide & Seek 2001-2011

GUY AT THE BAR SAYS: I’LL HAVE A BIN LADEN, PLEASE.

BARTENDER SAYS: WHAT’S THAT?

GUY REPLIES: 2 SHOTS AND A SPLASH OF WATER!

Bin Laden's final words .... "Who's there?"

Obama confirms Osama Bin Laden is Dead

2011-05-02T13:43:00.001+01:00

Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed in a U.S.-led operation involving helicopters and ground forces in Pakistan on Sunday, ending a nearly 10-year worldwide hunt for the mastermind of the September 11 attacks. In America thousands have flocked to Ground Zero in New York to celebrate and express their relief at his death.

U.S. officials said bin Laden was found in a million-dollar compound in the upscale town of Abbottabad, 60 km (35 miles) north of the Pakistani capital Islamabad. A source familiar with the operation said bin Laden was shot in the head.

"Justice has been done," President Barack Obama declared in a hastily called, late-night White House speech announcing the death of the elusive head of the militant Islamic group behind a series of deadly bombings across the world.

Leaders worldwide praised the killing as a dramatic success in the war against al Qaeda, although many analysts cautioned it was too soon to say bin Laden's death would mark a turning point in the battle against a highly fractured network of militants.

Jubilant, flag-waving celebrations erupted in Washington and New York after Obama's announcement. It was the biggest national security victory for the president since he took office in early 2009 and could give him a political boost as he seeks re-election in 2012.

Obama may now also find it easier to wind down the nearly decade-old war in Afghanistan, begun after the September 11, 2001, attacks on New York and Washington that killed nearly 3,000.

But the operation could complicate relations with Pakistan, already frayed over U.S. drone strikes in the west of the country and the jailing of a CIA contractor accused of killing two Pakistani men.

A U.S. official said Pakistani authorities were told the details of the raid after it had taken place.

The revelation bin Laden was living in style in a mansion will also put Pakistani officials under pressure to explain how he could have been right under their noses. Residents in Abbottabad said a Pakistani military training academy is near the compound.

"For some time there will be a lot of tension between Washington and Islamabad because bin Laden seems to have been living here close to Islamabad," said Imtiaz Gul, a Pakistani security analyst.

U.S. officials said American forces were led to the fortress-like three-story building in Abbottabad after more than four years tracking one of bin Laden's most trusted couriers, whom U.S. officials said was identified by men captured after the September 11, 2001 attacks.

Detainees also identified this man as one of the few al Qaeda couriers trusted by bin Laden. They indicated he might be living with or protected by bin Laden," a senior administration official said in a briefing for reporters in Washington.

Bin Laden was finally found after authorities discovered in August 2010 that the courier lived with his brother and their families in an unusual and extremely high-security building in Pakistan, officials said.

"When we saw the compound where the brothers lived, we were shocked by what we saw: an extraordinarily unique compound," a senior administration official said.

"The bottom line of our collection and our analysis was that we had high confidence that the compound harbored a high-value terrorist target. The experts who worked this issue for years assessed that there was a strong probability that the terrorist who was hiding there was Osama bin Laden," another administration official said.

Bin Laden and three adult men, including a son of bin Laden, were killed along with a woman who was used as a shield by a male combatant, officials said.

The New York Times said bin Laden's body was taken to Afghanistan and then buried at sea.

The Sex of Computers

2011-01-12T17:36:00.000Z

The battle of the sexes continues....

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

New Zealand Earthquake strikes near Christchurch Video

2010-09-03T23:04:00.006+01:00

A 7.0-magnitude earthquake has struck off New Zealand's South Island, the epicentre was 55km (35 miles) north-west of Christchurch, at a depth of 12 km (7.5 miles).

Police reported there had been damage to buildings and roads as well as power cuts, but no casualties were known. Residents of Christchurch, New Zealand's second largest city with a population of 386,000, said aftershocks were still continuing.

The earthquake struck at 0435 on Saturday local time (1635 GMT on Friday) when most people would have been asleep. Radio New Zealand reported that the quake was felt as a long rolling motion lasting up to 40 seconds, and that the area was continuing to feel aftershocks. The US Geological Survey said one aftershock had a magnitude of 5.7.

The local newspaper, The Press, said it was felt widely across the South Island, including Christchurch and the nearby port city of Timaru. Damage and power outages had been reported as far afield as Dunedin, 360km (223miles) to the south-west.

Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker said the "sharp, vicious earthquake" had caused significant damage in parts of the city. Chimneys and walls had fallen from older buildings, with roads blocked, traffic lights out and power, gas and water supplies disrupted, he added.

"There is considerable damage in the central city and we've also had reports of looting, just shop windows broken and easy picking of displays," police inspector Mike Coleman told Radio New Zealand. "It's very unsafe to be out and about."

Christchurch International Airport was closed after the earthquake as a precaution, as experts checked the runways and terminal buildings, a spokesman said.

Earthquakes were also experienced in Indonesia and Hawaii shortly adter the one in New Zealand.

Follow all the Tweets about the earthquake at TrendsMap

Canine We Do It - Yes, We Canine! Great video of Wiener Dog singing along to the U.S. National Anthem!

2010-07-04T18:00:00.003+01:00

Happy 4th July!

2010-07-04T13:40:00.004+01:00

Happy Independence Day on this 4th July! Here's a selection of my favourite buttons to celebrate this day.

Best Names Ever!

2010-03-17T17:43:00.009Z

Customs Official : 'May I know your name?'

Passenger : 'Batman'

Customs Official : 'What's your name!?'

Passenger : 'My name is Bat-man'

Customs Official : 'Trying to be funny? What's your surname?'

Passenger : 'Super-man'

Customs Official : 'So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?'

Passenger : 'Yes'

Customs Official : 'Arrest this guy...

When they had him in custody, he was asked to show his identification card:

And also possibly the best name ever....

(must be the moustache!)

Hilarious History Exam Answers!

2010-03-17T17:22:00.009Z

Another round robin I received by email this morning, I hadn't seen these before and when I read them I thought they were hilarious. I'm sharing them for anyone else that's not read them as I enjoyed them so much and hope you do too.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada .

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul . The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic . His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe .

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America 's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

24. Meanwhile in Europe , the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Still reading? Have you no work to do?

32. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

2010-03-15T22:14:00.001Z

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet...

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts...

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

(or I probably would be if I were a man :-)

Men are like.....

2010-03-15T18:53:00.003Z

1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..

5. Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like
Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

If you can't find the book you want

2010-03-10T13:28:00.002Z

You're probably shopping at the.....

Hilarious Personal Ad I really, really want to be true!

2010-03-03T09:23:00.004Z

I got this in my inbox this morning and it was too good not to share. Now normally I'd check anything like this for authenticity on snopes.com but this time I haven't because I really, really want it to be true!

It's supposedly an actual personal ad placed in the 'Savannah Tribune' newspaper in December 2009.

AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you. but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Climate scepticism 'on the rise', BBC poll shows

2010-02-05T19:05:00.003Z

There has been an increase in the number of British people who are sceptical about climate change, a poll commissioned by BBC News has suggested.

It showed that 25% of those questioned did not think global warming was happening, an increase of 10% since a similar poll was conducted in November.

The percentage of respondents who said climate change was a reality had fallen from 83% in November to 75%.

The poll, based on a sample group of 1,001 adults, was conducted by Populus.

The findings, based on interviews carried out on 3-4 February, show that only 26% of people think "climate change is happening and is now established as largely man-made", only 1% more than those who think there is no global warming.

In November 2009, a similar poll by Populus - commissioned by the Times newspaper - showed that 41% agreed that climate change was happening and it was largely the result of human activities.

Read the whole article and see the graphs HERE

Alaskan Job vacancy . . .Must be fast on your feet!

2010-02-05T18:55:00.002Z

Position: Surveyor
Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)
Qualifications: Must be fast on your feet!

This one's my personal favourite - peekaboo!

Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bear's breakfast your buddy is standing there taking photos?

Amazing Pic! Northern Lights from Space Station

2010-01-30T00:35:00.004Z

Fantastic NASA photographs taken by astronauts travelling on the International Space Station and during missions on board space shuttles have shown that nature's light show is clearly visible miles outside the Earth's atmosphere.

The shimmering waves and swirls, caused by charged particles colliding in the earth's atmosphere, are usually observed from the polar regions, yet rarely seen from above.

The aurora borealis - or Northern Lights - most often occurs from September to October and from March to April and is visible in the northern hemisphere.

Its southern counterpart, the aurora australis – Latin for South – is visible from Antarctica, South America and Australasia.

Both are caused by an interaction between the Earth's magnetic field and solar wind. Charged particles from the magnetosphere, mostly electrons, collide with atoms and molecules from the upper atmosphere at altitudes of 50 miles, causing the eerie light.

Collisions in the atmosphere cause the electrons to take quantum leaps, converting their energy into a visible light.

The luminous waves are usually red or green, created from atomic oxygen, but nitrogen can cause pink or blue auroras and helium gives off a purple glow. Neon is responsible for the rare orange flares.

The auroras' ghostly glow has proved the inspiration for literature and film, including Philip Pullman's novel, 'Northern Lights'.

Great Lines from Teachers & Cops

2010-01-29T23:15:00.003Z

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are they funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy..

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5.. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much..

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These next are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

13 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

14 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

15 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

16 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired..'

16 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

17 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

18 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

19 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

20 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

21 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

22 'Yeah, we have a quota.. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

23 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

24 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

25 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

26 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

27 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

More than 50,000 dead in Haiti Earthquake

2010-01-14T23:28:00.002Z

Idiots to feel sorry for?

2010-01-14T19:37:00.002Z

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said,' Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back.'

She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!

Do not confuse the staff at MaccyD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since.

Sighted in Moor Park, Nr Watford, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign on our road. She said the reason was : 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore'.

Sighted in Potters Bar, Herts, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'.

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

Sighted in South Oxhey Herts, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Sighting at Luton Airport, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #6

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing
with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow, Middlesex, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'

Sighted at a Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #8

A coach party were out for the day, stopped of at a refreshment halt in Hertforshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for "Six decaffinated please" to which the girl replied:

"Sorry, we only do coffee!".

Story sighted in Luton Probus.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us, and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and to REPRODUCE!

The Buffalo Theory, or an appreciation of Beer

2010-01-11T19:35:00.002Z

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

They live among us!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-12T17:11:00.003Z

These are all from genuine British TV and radio quiz shows/phone in's

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. ... ..

Richard: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er .. .....

Richard: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller: Japan.

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er... .... ..

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

And the latest thing is - Divorce Cakes!

2009-08-24T22:59:00.002+01:00

How to turn your garage door into a work of art !

2009-07-21T17:51:00.010+01:00

I saw these in the Daily Mail and just loved them! These utterly realistic images are printed on plastic sheets which are stuck on garage doors - the latest craze for home owners who want to not so much keep up with, as totally freak out, the Joneses.

There are loads of motifs available, from the Formula One racing cars, private jets, speedboats and the kind of equipment that any fledgling rock band would be proud to have left lying around in the garage. Even a Blackbird spyplane!

The weather and fire-resistant prints are designed to disguise that boring, flaky, greying metalwork. Held in place by industrial strength Velcro, they are easy to change and virtually indestructible.

The fashion started in Germany and is now being taken up by humorous garage owners over here. At £145, it's certainly quite a lot cheaper than a real sports car, jet fighter, or whatever.

And for the more imaginative customer, creator Thomas Sassenbach (www.styleyourgarage.com) will customise any image on request. Now, has anyone seen the pet crocodile today?

Swine Flu Jokes. The Definitive List

2009-07-21T00:22:00.002+01:00

First we had, Aids, followed by SARS and foot & mouth. We then had bird flu and now Swine Flu... it's like Pokemon - I got to catch 'em all.

I called the Swine Flu hotline today but I couldn't get through... all I got was crackling!

---

How do you know if you have Swine Flu? You keep coming out in rashers!

---

Doctor, Doctor. I think I have Swine Flu! Don't worry, just rub in this oinkment.

---

Oinkment won't work for Mexican Swine Flu. You need Juantibiotics!

---

Doctor, Doctor. I've just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.

---

Doctor, Doctor. My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should I be worried?

---

A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft hayputh, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"

---

Sweating, excessive body odour and laziness. No wonder it went unnoticed for so long in Mexico.

---

I won a holiday to Mexico, but I can't go and I'm pig sick about it.

---

Feeling bored on the bus/train/underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...

---

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the a-pork-alypse!

---

This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
this little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
and this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found out that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.

---

THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.

---

Swine Flu is caused by exposure to Gammon Rays.

---

How did the 2 timing Mexican get into heaven? The swine flew!

---

I'm worried I might have caught Swine Flu. I haven't been to Mexico but I've been with some pigs in my time!

---

The reason Mexicans took so long to notice people with symptoms including "sweating, excessive body odour and laziness" was because they are so used to Yanks visiting their country.

---

Apparently over 6 billion emails have been sent out in the last week about Swine Flu. Duh! Didn't you know spam comes from pigs.

---

A lion, a bear and a pig are in the pub, showing off.
The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself..."

---

Watch out for the following:

• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper: things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills; Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight: Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for trewatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.

Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment.

---

So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off...

---

FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection.

---

After watching Arsenal's performance last night surely Mexican striker Carlos Vela should have played. I mean, who's gonna mark him?

---

With Swine Flu spreading fast, I bet Kermit the Frog is panicking.

---

This Swine Flu is bad, i must have had it for about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!

---

Apparently, the BBC reports that the symptoms of Swine Flu are intense sweating, incoherent speech, pungent body odour and fatigue. I always knew there was something odd about Gordon Brown...

---

Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?

---

You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.

---

Mad Cow Disease: Named after my wife. Swine Flu: Named after her mother.

---

Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasn't really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it.

---

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

---

Funny how 90 people get the Swine Flu and everyone wears face masks, but millions get Aids and no-one wears condoms.

---

Half price on return flights to Mexico, Its not like you're coming back is it?

---

The pigs are giving people the 'flu. As if arresting you on jumped up charges isn't bad enough...

---

I just heard on the news that, "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then isn’t it.

---

Apparently the first symptom of Swine Flu is that you get the trotts.

---

All of this makes me feel like America will view the term "Pigging Out" very differently from now on.

---

El Paso Fah.....Fahhhhh.........Faaaajita!

---

Swine flu has been reported in Israel. Oh the irony!

---

If only pigs didn't know how to build brick houses, the common wolf would have eradicated any chance of Swine flu years ago.

---

I never thought I'd be personally affected by the two dreaded words "pig" and "flu". Now my entire home has been decimated by it ... Police helicopter just crashed into the roof!

---

Swine flu. Mexico's revenge for the Alamo!

---

Looks like I'm going to have to cancel my salsa lessons.

---

If pig flu and bird flu meet up, what are we in for then? Flying pig flu?

---
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have Swine Flu
And now so do you

---

As paranoia hits Britain about contracting Swine Flu the Government issues the warning of the importance of hand washing, cleaning and general hygiene. Shocking that the first two cases in the UK are in Scotland!

More from the Pavement Picasso: Julian Beever

2009-04-05T19:49:00.005+01:00

Julian Beever is an English, Belgium-based chalk artist who has been creating trompe-l'œil chalk drawings on pavement surfaces since the mid-1990s. His works are created using a projection called anamorphosis, and create the illusion of three dimensions when viewed from the correct angle.

Beever works as a freelance artist and creates murals for companies. He has worked in the UK, Belgium, France, The Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Denmark, Spain, the U.S., Australia, Mexico, Brazil and Argentina.

This video is a compilation of some of his latest work, visit his official website at http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/ to see more of his fantastic work.

Disorder in the American Courts

2009-04-01T19:56:00.006+01:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed > on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This is what sorry looks like!

2009-03-09T13:10:00.002Z

This is what tired looks like!
This is what bad spelling looks like!
This is what intimacy looks like!
This is what courage looks like!
This is what a helping hand looks like!
This is what a bad mood looks like!
This is what cold looks like!

Alert -UK Driving Licence Fiasco!

2009-02-24T15:31:00.005Z

FOR THOSE OF YOU WITH NEW STYLE UK DRIVING LICENCES

Your Driving Licence - Beware! Please pass on to all friends/colleagues

Unwitting motorists face £1,000 fines as thousands of photo card driving licences expire.

Thousands of motorists are at risk of being fined up to £1,000 because they are unwittingly driving without a valid licence.

They risk prosecution after failing to spot the extremely small print on their photo card licence which says it automatically expires after 10 years and has to be renewed - even though drivers are licensed to drive until the age of 70.

The fiasco has come to light a decade after the first batch of photo licences was issued in July 1998, just as the they start to expire.

Motoring organisations blamed the Government for the fiasco and said 'most' drivers believed their licences were for life.

A mock-up driving licence from 1998 when the photo cards were launched shows the imminent expiry date as item '4b'

They said officials had failed to publicise sufficiently the fact that new-style licences - unlike the old paper ones - expire after a set period and have to be renewed.

To rub salt into wounds, drivers will have to a pay £17.50 to renew their card - a charge which critics have condemned as a 'stealth tax' and which will earn the Treasury an estimated £437million over 25 years.

Official DVLA figures reveal that while 16,136 expired this summer, so far only 11,566 drivers have renewed, leaving 4,570 outstanding.

With another 300,000 photo card licences due to expire over the coming year, experts fear the number of invalid licences will soar, putting thousands more drivers in breach of the law and at risk of a fine.

At the heart of the confusion is the small print on the tiny credit-card-size photo licence, which is used in conjunction with the paper version.

Just below the driver name on the front of the photo card licence is a series of dates and details - each one numbered.

Number 4b features a date in tiny writing, but no explicit explanation as to what it means.

The date's significance is only explained if the driver turns over the card and reads the key on the back which states that '4b' means 'licence valid to'.

Even more confusingly, an adjacent table on the rear of the card sets out how long the driver is registered to hold a licence - that is until his or her 70th birthday.

A total of 25million new-style licences have been issued but - motoring experts say - drivers were never sufficiently warned they would expire after 10 years.

Motorists who fail to renew their licences in time are allowed to continue driving. But the DVLA says they could be charged with 'failing to surrender their licence', an offence carrying a £1,000 fine.

AA president, Edmund King said: 'It is not generally known that photo card licences expire: there appears to be a lack of information that people will have to renew these licences.

'People think they have already paid them for once over and that is it.
'It will come as a surprise to motorists and a shock that they have to pay an extra £17.50.'

The AA called on the Government to use the annual £450million from traffic enforcement fines to offset the renewal charge.

So is Antarctica warming up? - NOT!

2009-02-08T11:43:00.003Z

I came across this rather revealing article by Christopher Booker in the Telegraph and it makes very interesting reading for anyone who is not aware of the truth about the so called warming up of Antartica!

"There has been a hilarious twist to the bid by the shock troops of the global warming scare to pretend that, contrary to all the evidence, Antarctica has lately been warming up, Behind this claim were scientists belonging to America’s leading pro-warmist blog RealClimate, including Michael Mann, creator of the notorious â hockey stick’ graph, and Dr James Hansen’s colleague Gavin Schmidt of the Goddard Institute for Space Studies.

When their allies at Nature made a cover story of their claims, this hit headlines across the world, trumpeted by all the usual suspects, from the BBC to the Guardian’s George Monbiot. But they hadn’t reckoned with the forensic expertise of the two leading US science blogs, Anthony Watts’s Watts Up With That and Climate Audit, run by Steve McIntyre, the chief demolisher of the â hockey stick’.

Combing through the data they discovered that the chief evidence for a warming Antarctica came from a single weather station, 'Harry’. But the data for 'Harry’ was not all it seemed. Secretly spliced in with it were lower temperature readings from a quite different weather station, 'Gill’, so that the higher and later temperatures from 'Harry’ (cocooned for several years in snow) made it look as though there had been a warming which didn’t exist.

So embarrassed was Schmidt when this sleight of hand was exposed that he pretended it had come to light through an 'independent’ observer, who was then revealed to be himself (after reading the blogs run by his more assiduous critics). But perhaps Nature, Moonbat and Co. should apologise to their readers for having been fooled by such chicanery."

SOURCE

VLC Media Player plays all file formats

2009-02-01T16:09:00.007Z

If you've been trying to find a media player that will play all your file formats, with no need for extra codecs etc, then look no further, as I may have found just the thing for you! VLC Media Player, a Free and Open Source cross-platform media player from Videolan can play various audio and video formats (MPEG-1, MPEG-2, MPEG-4, DivX, flv, wmv, avi, mp3, ogg and many more...) as well as DVDs, VCDs, and various streaming protocols. It can also be used as a server to stream in unicast or multicast in IPv4 or IPv6 on a high-bandwidth network. Because of its open-source foundation, VLC Media Player evolves quickly, with new features and fixes released frequently.

I have used it to play MPEG-4, MOV, wmv, avi, flv and mp3 files so far, with excellent results and it's great having to use only the one player instead of several different depending on the file type.

Though the interface varies from platform to platform, the default interface is simple and clean. The skinned mode perks things up slightly, but the program seems to suffer from unpredictable behavior when skinned. Overall though, VLC Media Player is a must-have application for its ability to open just about any type of video file you throw at it.

DOWNLOAD VLC MEDIA PLAYER HERE

Men vs Women!

2009-01-13T15:08:00.008Z

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!
******************************************************
WIFE vs. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
********************************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he
knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
*********************************************************
WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
**********************************************************
SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
*********************************************************
WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
**********************************************************
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a
spider!
***********************************************************
CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
************************************************************
WHO DOES WHAT?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
***********************************************************

Warning for Internet Explorer users!!!!!!

2008-12-16T18:40:00.004Z

Users of Microsoft's Internet Explorer have been warned of a flaw that could let hackers gain access to their computers and steal personal data, and have been to swap to a rival browser.

The flaw was spotted last week when hackers started attacking users of IE 7. The flaw, however, has also been found in earlier versions of Microsoft's browser, IE 5 and IE 6.

Because IE is used by seven out of every ten computers in the world, the flaw is potentially very serious. So far, however, it only seems to have been used to steal computer game code from rival gamers.

Microsoft is trying to put together a patch, but in the meantime computer users have been advised to update their security settings or switch to unaffected browsers such as Firefox or Opera.

The latter scored highest in a recent set of tests of how browsers deal with password security, by security consultants Chapin Information Services. Firefox came second with IE mid-table. Google's new browser, Chrome, and Safari 3.2 for Windows tied in last place.

The flaw in IE allows criminals to gain control of computers that have visited a website infected with malicious code designed to exploit it. While restricting web surfing to trusted sites should reduce the risk of infection, the malicious code can be injected into any website. Users do not have to click or download anything to become infected, merely visiting an infected website is sufficient.

Antivirus software specialists Trend Micro believe as many as 10,000 sites have been hacked to exploit the flaw. Sites that have been compromised so far, however, are mostly Chinese and the attackers seem intent on stealing people's computer game passwords in order to sell them on the black market rather than looking for personal details such as bank accounts.

It is known as a "zero-day" attack because it exploits a security vulnerability on the same day that the vulnerability became generally known. Usually there is a "window of vulnerability" between when the flaw is discovered and when the vendor issues a patch. The hope is that the vendor issues the patch before writers of so-called "malware" can exploit the flaw. If the malware writers have the flaw first, then the vendor has "zero days" to create a patch.

"Microsoft is continuing its investigation of public reports of attacks against a new vulnerability in IE," the company said in a security alert updated yesterday. "We are actively investigating the vulnerability that these attacks attempt to exploit. We will continue to monitor the threat environment and update this advisory if this situation changes."

"On completion of this investigation, Microsoft will take the appropriate action to protect our customers, which may include providing a solution through a service pack, our monthly security update release process, or an out-of-cycle security update, depending on customer needs."

What should Internet Explorer users do?

• Change the program's internet zone security setting to "high". This should protect against all known exploits of this vulnerability by disabling scripting and disabling less secure features in IE. It is, however, likely to slow down a user's web experience.

• Log out of your computer and create a new user account which has limited rights to change the PC's settings. Log in as that user. This should reduce the chances of anyone being able to exploit the flaw should your computer become infected.

• Keep antivirus software up to date. This is likely to have only limited effect as most antivirus software packages only investigate files that are downloaded from the internet, rather than looking at every page visited.

• Switch to another browser, preferably Firefox. This is by far the best option.

Important Health Information for Christmas!

2008-12-15T15:51:00.004Z

Here's some important health information which should help you to enjoy Christmas even more:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: 'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Shannon Matthews Mother on Trial

2008-11-12T18:44:00.002Z

The case of Shannon Matthews, the schoolgirl who prompted a huge search when she disappeared early this year for almost a month, came before a jury this morning.

Ten-year-old Shannon's mother, Karen, is accused of kidnapping, false imprisonment and perverting the course of justice by pretending to West Yorkshire police she had no idea where her daughter was.

Alongside her in the dock will be 40-year-old Michael Donovan, who faces the same charges. Donovan is the uncle of her partner. Both defendants will plead not guilty in a trial that is expected to last four weeks.

Donovan abducted Shannon as she was on her way home from school in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire, by telling her he was taking her to a fair. He gave her Temazepam -- a type of sleeping tablet and travel sickness pills and kept her tethered to an elasticated strap attached to a roof beam through a loft hatch when he went out. The strap was discovered by officers searching the first-floor flat following Shannon's discovery. It had a large loop at the end which, at full stretch, would reach around most of the flat but not permit anyone who was restrained by it from leaving through the front door. Donovan would have used it to restrain Shannon when he left the flat to go shopping.

Meanwhile Karen Matthews kept up a "wicked and dishonest lie" as her daughter became the subject of a massive police search operation and a reward fund offered by a local newspaper grew to £50,000. Apparently Donovan planned to release Shannon and then "discover" her.

The trial continues tomorrow.

Google pays peanuts for digital rights to every book in the world!

2008-11-03T10:54:00.008Z

Last week literary and publishing history was made when Google managed to barter a deal with the publishing world, in the form of the Authors Guild and the Association of American Publishers, that will change the whole landscape of access to academic libraries.

Four years ago, Google embarked on a stupendous project to make digital copies of some of the world's largest university library collections and incorporate the texts into its vast web index. The goal was to enable anyone, anywhere, to tap into these huge academic libraries, some with texts dating back centuries.

Google signed up four major universities - Stanford, Harvard, Oxford and the University of Michigan - plus the New York Public Library - as partners in the programme, estimating it would take six years to scan and index more than 10 million books and periodicals. At Stanford, Harvard and Oxford, it agreed to scan only samples (albeit large ones), but at Michigan they did every book and periodical, partly because Google co-founder Larry Page is a graduate, and partly because Michigan has one of the best university collections in the US.

It's a staggering project costing about $10 per volume scanned, and one that was thought to be impractical, until Google embarked on it. 'Going as fast as we can with the traditional means of doing this,' said John Wilkin of the University of Michigan in 2004, 'it would take us about 1,600 years to do all seven million volumes. Google will do it in six years. If we were to do this job ourselves, it would probably cost $600m- that's just the human cost of preparing the material for scanning, packing it up and sending it out to vendors and then quality-control checking of the results. Nothing has been conceived on this scale. It's access to a research collection we never would have dared imagine possible.'

Enter, stage right, US book publishers, many of them incensed by Google's presumptions. Who did these techies think they were, casually scanning and indexing other people's texts? Google responded that (a) copyright holders were protected because when searchers found a book under copyright, they would see only a catalogue-type entry providing basic information about the book and a few sentences of text surrounding the search term, and (b) scanning and indexing constituted 'fair use' under US copyright law.

Pshaw! said the publishers (and the Authors Guild) and called m'learned friends. It would have made an interesting trial and probably have gone all the way to the Supreme Court. But last week the parties reached a deal in which Google will pay $125m to settle the lawsuits, thus clearing the way for it to make millions of out-of-print books available for reading and purchasing online. The deal also outlines a framework for a new system that will channel payments from book sales, advertising revenue and other fees to authors and publishers, with Google taking a cut.

This is a big deal. Of the seven million books Google has scanned so far, between four and five million are still in copyright but out of print. Any arrangement making those easier to access has to be good news. Google can display up to 20 per cent of the text free of charge and make the entire book available online for a fee. The company will take 37 per cent of the resulting revenues, leaving 63 per cent for publishers and authors. (So authors can earn revenues from works their publishers have declined to reprint. Imagine what would have happened to the music business if record labels had negotiated a deal like this.) And if Google sells ads on texts it displays, it will split the revenues on the same basis. It gets all this for $125m, the smallest of small change to a corporation with annual revenues touching $20bn.

The most significant aspect of the deal, though, is that universities, libraries and other organisations will be able to buy subscriptions that make entire collections of those books available to their visitors. Governments could buy national subscriptions for all the public libraries in their jurisdictions. We've taken a giant step towards a world that once seemed an unattainable dream - where everything that has ever been published can be available to anyone who has the desire to read it.

And the downside? Google becomes the conduit for everything in print and pays peanuts for the privilege. Heads it wins, tails it wins.

The only way is UP!

2008-10-25T22:55:00.007+01:00

I got this in my inbox this week and thought it worth sharing.

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that’s probably true of many languages.)

There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’ It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and som e guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not&n bsp;rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now. My time is UP.

Oh…one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U......P!

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-23T23:27:00.004+01:00

Why we see spooks, ghouls & long leggety beasties!

2008-10-17T01:00:00.002+01:00

Vampires, ghosts and witches are all utterly real – at least to those who witness these horrifying apparitions, explains Roger Highfield.

In pagan times, the last evening of October was "old-year's night", when disembodied ghouls and spirits staged a carnival, and bonfires were set on hilltops to scare them away.

'Vampire legends are quite widespread, although current Western ideas about vampires appear to have originated in a kind of vampire-craze in the 18th century'
The souls of the dead revisited their former homes, while ghosts, witches, hobgoblins and demons roamed far and wide. Today, science can shed new light on the darkest horrors of Hallowe'en.

The legends and superstitions are remarkable because they are not fantasies - the latest research shows that the terrifying creatures that populate the annual celebrations are utterly real to those who see them.

They are the bizarre products of flawed and faulty neurological processes, holding up a distorted mirror that allows us to glimpse the stranger recesses of the human mind.

Take vampires, ghosts and witches. One clue to their origins comes from studies of sleep paralysis, a penumbra of consciousness when sufferers sense the presence of a nearby threat, either in the process of falling asleep or awakening.

Some sufferers hear indistinct voices and demonic gibberish, while others experience hallucinations of humans, animals and supernatural creatures. The condition gets its name because a common element is a striking inability to move or to speak, or the sensation of a weight on the chest.

This is because the brain paralyses the sleeping body to stop us acting out our dreams. Not surprisingly, these bizarre experiences are accompanied by terror.

Recent studies suggest that sleep paralysis may strike about 30 per cent of us at least once. One expert, Allan Cheyne, of the University of Waterloo in Canada, has studied around 40,000 cases from around the world.

He finds that there are often reports of a "sensed presence", such as a spectral figure or ghost, or even an elderly person dressed in an old-fashioned costume. This phenomenon, Professor Cheyne believes, is as old as humanity.

In Newfoundland, sleep paralysis is called "old hag", because it is linked with visions of an ugly old woman squatting on the chest of a paralysed sleeper.

The Chinese refer to it as "gui ya", or "ghost pressure", while in the West Indies there was "kokma", when a ghost baby bounced on the sleeper's chest and attacked the throat.

In ancient Japan, a giant devil was blamed. In fact, sleep paralysis probably gave us the term "nightmare".

The monsters we now associate with Hallowe'en arose, then, because people made sense of this experience by drawing on what seemed plausible in the culture of the time. Hundreds of years ago, witches, demons and ghosts got the blame. In the 1980s and 1990s, people were more likely to report alien abductions.

"Aliens have become merely the latest actors in the ancient drama of the sleep paralysis nightmare," says Prof Cheyne, though he adds that most sufferers "conjure up rather ancient and traditional demons and ghosts".

But how about the vampire - the most familiar night predator of all, condemned to rise from the grave to feast on the blood of sleeping victims?

"Vampire legends are quite widespread, although current Western ideas about vampires appear to have originated in a kind of vampire-craze in the 18th century," says Prof Cheyne.

"In contrast to the suave and urbane vampires of fiction portrayed by Bram Stoker, however, vampires of legend are typically described as repulsive, bloated, and unshaven, with long nails, and tattered funereal clothing." His survey of sleep paralysis revealed hundreds of cases of such vampire imagery, "though a small percentage of the total".

In 1998, the Spanish neurologist Juan Gomez-Alonso linked the Dracula legend to rabies, caused when a virus invades the nervous system and inflames the brain. Symptoms include insomnia, an aversion to water, mirrors and strong smells (though not specifically to garlic), and an increased sex drive.

And rabies, of course, is transmitted by bat and other animal bites, reflecting how the victims of vampires usually become vampires themselves.

"This plausibly accounts for things associated with the 17th- and 18th-century scares," says Dr Tim Taylor, an archaeologist from the University of Bradford who appears in a Hallowe'en documentary, Real Vampires (Discovery Channel, 9pm tomorrow). "The light-sensitivity and fear of water lead to shunning the village priest, with his shiny crucifix and holy water."

Dr Taylor has come up with an even more intriguing idea to explain why we remain fascinated with vampires: it is hard-wired into our brains because our primate ancestors used to show their fangs to demonstrate their status and say: "I am an alpha male and I want sex!"

Gorillas and chimpanzees still do this today, he points out, although humans "now say 'Look at my Jag' instead". Men don't bare their incisors any more because big teeth are, as Dr Taylor says, anatomically incompatible with the evolution of our big brains two million years ago.

But the memory of this evolutionary throwback lingers, not least in the sexier Dracula that prowled around the Hammer Horror films.

Other monsters, such as ghosts and witches, are born in parts of the brain that make sense of what we see.

This has been revealed in studies of people losing their sight who are untouched by the brain diseases, such as Alzheimer's, that are known to cause hallucinations: their visions are conjured up when the brain attempts to make sense of degraded visual information.

These are called Charles Bonnet hallucinations, after the Swiss naturalist who reported his grandfather's strange experiences and later went on to suffer the hallucinations himself.

Dominic Ffytche, of the Institute of Psychiatry in London, found patterns in these visions. Rather than witnessing anything and everything, the patients' apparitions usually fall into a handful of categories, including distorted faces, costumed figures and other bewildering apparitions.

"I'm sure ghosts, fairies and witches all relate in some respect to these disembodied hallucinations," he says. Phantoms were typically small and wore period clothing - 40 per cent saw figures in costume.

"These could be Edwardian costume, knights in armour, military uniforms, Napoleonic uniforms and First World War uniforms," says Ffytche.

"They often wear hats." As for why these apparitions seem to like the same costumes, whether witnessed by patients in India or in Britain, "it is something to do with the brain's visual representation of the human figure - but we do not yet know what".

The disembodied, or distorted face of a stranger with staring eyes and prominent teeth is seen by about half of patients, sometimes only in an outline, like a cartoon. The faces "are often described as being grotesque, or like gargoyles," Ffytche says.

As the brain is starved of sufficient information from an eye that is going blind, it compensates with abnormally increased activity and conjures up hallucinations from the random firing of nerve cells.

His suggestion is that the hallucinations occur when the brain's lateral occipital region alerts us to the possibility that what we are looking at might be a face, an idea backed by brain scans at Yonsei University College of Medicine in South Korea.

This region detects a face's component features - eyes, nose, lips and chin - but does not register where they are. It does not care if a chin is on the forehead, or a pair of eyes under the nose.

Unusual activity in this region seems to make it insensitive to the position of each feature and, says Ffytche, creates "the characteristic distortions of the gargoyle and the over-emphasis of facial features, such as the prominent staring eyes".

People who suffered from Charles Bonnet hallucinations centuries ago bequeathed us the banshees, goblins and crones that stalk Hallowe'en today.

So on a dark Winters night, when you hear things go bump in the night or see shadowy figures, don't be afraid - it's only your mind at work!

The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd!

2008-10-14T15:11:00.003+01:00

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking 25 miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways …yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of garbage like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty ( and how!), I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

1) When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!

2) There was no email!!
We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

3) There were no MP3's or Napsters!
If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike all the way to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

4) We didn't have any fancy Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

5) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances mister!

6) We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

7) When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with big hair or a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just plain out of luck!

8) Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network either!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

9) And we didn't have microwaves…
If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever.

10) When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in…we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7-foot cord that ran to the phone - not to the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do.....hang up and talk to them later.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

God has a problem granting a wish!

2008-10-13T22:35:00.005+01:00

Found this great story over at Greenrose, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did :-)

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things, take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes on that bridge or four????

A House Break In!

2008-10-09T16:08:00.004+01:00

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowners wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. if he wants sex, don't resist, don't compl ain.....do whatever he tells you.. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. 'I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. 'I love you, too.'

The Latest Ig Nobel Awards: Slime moulds can solve puzzles and other astonishing research honoured!

2008-10-08T11:23:00.022+01:00

Slime moulds can solve puzzles! This astonishing revelation is one of 10 pieces of real research honoured this year with Ig Nobel Prizes. The spoof alternatives to the rather more sober Nobel prizes were presented in a ceremony at Harvard University.

Other winners included studies that showed Coca Cola was an effective spermicide; and that fleas on dogs jump higher than fleas on cats!

Marc Abrahams, editor of science humour magazine Annals of Improbable Research, which co-sponsors the awards, said: "The prizes are intended to celebrate the unusual, honour the imaginative - and spur people's interest in science, medicine and technology." All the research is real and published in often prestigious journals. Unlike the recipients of the more illustrious awards, Ig Nobel winners get no cash reward.

The full list of winners is (to see fuller articles on each, click on the white text):-

Nutrition: Massimiliano Zampini and Charles Spence for their study showing that food actually tastes better if it sounds crunchier.

Peace: The Swiss Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology and the citizens of Switzerland for adopting the legal principle that plants have dignity.

Archaeology: Astolfo Gomes de Mello Araujo and Jose Carlos Marcelino for demonstrating that armadillos can turn the contents of an archaeological dig upside down.

Biology: Marie-Christine Cadiergues, Christel Joubert and Michel Franc for showing that fleas on dogs can jump higher than fleas on a cat.

Medicine: Dan Ariely for demonstrating that expensive fake medicine is more effective than cheap fake medicine.

Cognitive Science: Toshiyuki Nakagaki, Hiroyasu Yamada, Ryo Kobayashi, Atsushi Tero, Akio Ishiguro and Agota Toth for demonstrating that slime moulds can solve puzzles.

Economics: Geoffrey Miller, Joshua Tyber and Brent Jordan for discovering that the fertility cycle of a lap dancer affects her tip-earning potential.

Physics: Dorian Raymer and Douglas Smith for proving that heaps of string or hair or almost anything else will inevitably tangle themselves up in knots.

Chemistry: Sheree Umpierre, Joseph Hill and Deborah Anderson for discovering that Coca-Cola is an effective spermicide (it was shared with C.Y. Hong, C.C. Shieh, P. Wu and B.N. Chiang who showed the opposite).

Literature: David Sims for his passionately written study "You Bastard: A Narrative Exploration of the Experience of Indignation within Organizations."

The Sarah Palin Flow Chart

2008-10-06T00:01:00.005+01:00

I came across this on ph33r and loathing and several other blogs and thought it was just too good not to share :-)

Making a Memorable Exit!

2008-10-02T15:38:00.003+01:00

The Mexicans may have their Day of the Dead, but the West is more cagey about the idea of kicking the bucket. It's something we all have in common but it still takes us by surprise. A new book 'Thinning the Herd', celebrates the sublime and the ridiculous that happens when a life ends. In extracts from the book, we tip our hats in particular to the famous - and the sometimes unusual ways in which they met their end.

ATTILA THE HUN(406-453)was one of history's most notorious villains. By 450 he had conquered Asia, destroying every village in his path and pillaged the countryside from Mongolia to the outer edges of the Russian Empire. He died of a nosebleed on his wedding night. The men who buried him and his treasures in 453 were put to death immediately so that the feared barbarian's grave would never be discovered.

British actor GEORGE SANDERS(1906-72) won an Acadamy Award for his role as a sarcastic theatre critic in All About Eve. He also played the lead in the 1956 film Death of a Salesman, and a schoolteacher who takes his own life in Village of the Damned. According to the short note found in his room where he died, he killed himself because he was bored.

After having been shot in battle, Mexican revolutionary PANCHO VILLA(1878-1923) turned to a journalist who was nearby and shouted: "Don't let it end like this! Tell them I said something!"

General JOHN SEDGWICK(1813-64), Union commander, was killed in battle during the US Civil War. His last words were: "They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance".

As JOAN CRAWFORD(1905-77) lay on her deathbed, her devoted housekeeper - and probably her one true friend in the world, fell to her knees and began to pray out loud for the legendary actress. Crawford turned to her immediately. Propping herself up, she said: "Damn it, don't you dare ask God to help me!". She was dead before her head hit the pillow.

ALBERT EINSTEIN(1879-1955) spoke his last words on his deathbed but we will never know what they were - his nurse didn't speak German.

The daring French philosopher VOLTAIRE(1694-1778) frequently refuted the fiercely held religious views of his times, despite the strict censorship laws of 18th century France. When a priest at his deathbed asked him to renounce Satan, he replied: "Now, now, dear man, this is not the time to be making enemies".

French grammarian DOMINIQUE BOUHOURS(1628-1702) was a stickler to the end. His last words were: "I am about to - or I am going to - die. Either expression is acceptable".

In the last years of his life WALT WHITMAN(1819-92) searched the depths of his soul for something glorious, a few brilliant and patriotic words to leave behind as his legacy for all of humanity. He gave up, finally, uttering only one word before dying: "S***".

Extracts from 'Thinning the Herd: Tales of the Wierdly Departed' by Cynthia Ceilan (Michael O'Mara Books, £10 - now £6.60 from Amazon).

One for the ladies :-)

2008-10-01T13:57:00.002+01:00

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.

Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them - Forever.

Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one Would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????

Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: I) no mind ii) no business

Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!

Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.

The Aussie Builders Joke!

2008-10-01T09:09:00.001+01:00

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that
the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the
better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what
you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large
garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your
sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker..

Why we are superstitious

2008-09-10T12:05:00.004+01:00

People have evolved to be superstitious because it pays to take a "better safe than sorry" approach to life, a new mathematical study suggests.

Researchers at Harvard University say history has taught people that it is better to interpret a rustle in the undergrowth as a threat just in case it is a bear, a member of a rival tribe or another real danger.

Although in the vast majority of cases it will be nothing of the sort, responding to the potential threat by always acting to ensure we protect ourselves remains the best strategy as it means we will not be caught out when the danger is real.

"In an uncertain world, natural selection can readily favour making all kinds of associations, including many incorrect ones, in order to make sure that the really important associations are made," says Dr Kevin Foster of the Centre for Systems Biology, Harvard University, near Boston, Massachusetts.

"Perhaps the easiest example to understand is the use of medicines that are not proven scientifically to actually work," explains Dr Foster, who reports the study with Dr Hanna Kokko of the University of Helsinki in the Proceedings of the Royal Society, Biological Sciences. "This occurs both in small-scale societies and in our own societies in the form of alternative medicine.

"It is clear that many medicines in these contexts do not work, but some do," says Dr Foster.

"Therefore, it may be evolutionarily advantageous to adopt the general strategy "believe that alternative medicines work" because in doing so, one will benefit from the few that are effective and suffer little cost from using those that do not work."

He adds that humans are not alone and that many other creatures are superstitious too. "Any decision making organism faces the same challenges of identifying causal relations, that is, will event A mean that event B is coming soon?

In the case of a prey species fleeing from loud noises, "it is clearly advantageous to run from all sorts of loud noises - including many that are not associated with predators - to make sure that when a predator comes, they are in a burrow or other such safe place."

The results are clear: superstitions are a part of adaptive behaviour in all organisms as they struggle to make sense of an uncertain world.

Dr Foster emphasised that the evolution of superstition is more than the natural selection of genes that linked with touching wood, crossing fingers and other superstitious traits.

"We are heavily affected by culture and learning as well, and so the specifics of any one example of superstition in humans will be affected by these factors as well."

By Roger Highfield
This article first appeared in the Telegraph.

What is it with these guys? Another Fritzl case is revealed!

2008-09-09T16:17:00.008+01:00

Just when you thought the Fritzl case was a one off, another bloke, this time in Poland has just appeared in court charged with imprisoning his daughter for six years as a sex slave - a chilling echo of the Austrian cellar fiend Josef Fritzl.

The girl, now 21, was tied up, locked in a room without a door handle and repeatedly raped. She gave birth to two of his children.

The 45 year old dad watched over both births in hospital - then forced her to leave the kids, now aged 3 and 20 months, and return to her dungeon, police said in evidence.

The girl escaped the home in the village of Grodzisk, eastern Poland last week, and went to police with her mum - who is being quizzed over how she did not know what was going on. The dad tried to flee to Italy - but was caught at atrain station. He is denying the rape charges, but refuses to talk to police.

A judge has ordered that he be held in prison for three months while detectives investigate the case. A police spokesman said that the picture the girl had painted was horrific.

This case mirrors the plight of Elisabeth Fritzl, aged 42 - who was kept in a specially built underground dungeon for 24 years! in Amstetten, Austria. She gave birth to seven children by her dad, Josef Fritzl, aged 74. Fritzl selected three of the children to live upstairs with him and his wife Rosemarie, 68, while the other three remained incarcerated with their mother in the cellar dungeon until they were released by police in April.

One of the children, a baby boy called Michael, died shortly after birth and Fritzl burned his body in an incinerator.

Fritzl, who is awaiting trial, faces a string of charges including manslaughter, and up to 3,000 counts of rape, abuse and incest.

Man stuck trying to have sex with bench!

2008-09-03T23:40:00.004+01:00

I found this amazing story over at Super Mae's blog.

A "lonely and disturbed" Hong Kong man had to call police to try and free him after his penis got stuck in a park bench he had apparently tried to have sex with, reports said.

Emergency workers took four hours trying to free Le Xing after he attempted to use a hole in the exercise bench to masturbate in a deserted park after dark, the Apple Daily and other papers reported.

Eventually they had to take him to hospital with the bench's 2.5-metre-long metal base still attached to him after attempts to free him by draining blood from his penis failed.

Doctors said the 42-year-old was lucky to still have a penis after the embarrassing incident, reported in lurid detail by several Chinese-language papers here.

Photographs showed rescue workers carrying him to an ambulance on the metal sheet, covered in a red blanket. To see the photo's and get some great comment on this story pop over to Super Mae's.

Site Lines: If you just can't get enough funny . . . check these sports humor sites

2008-09-03T19:11:00.005+01:00

Manta Ray joins Georgia Aquarium

2008-09-02T00:50:00.003+01:00

The Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta is now home to a new manta ray from South Africa — making it one of the few aquariums in the world with enough space to house one of these giant creatures. The video of this beautiful animal is below.

The ray, named Nandi, was rescued from shark nets along the South African coast last year, and becomes the only one on display in the United States. It joins rays on display in just three other countries: Japan, Spain and the Bahamas.

Most aquariums cannot house a manta ray because of how large the animal gets — up to 26 feet (7.9 meters) across and weighing about 6,000 pounds (2,700 kilograms).

The Georgia Aquarium says it has the largest tank in the world, a 6.3-million-gallon (23.8-million-liter) salt water exhibit that has plenty of room for Nandi, who is about 9 feet (2.7 meters) from the tip of one wing to the other and still growing.

Aquarium officials chartered a jumbo jet to fly Nandi the 9,000 miles (14,500 kilometers) from uShaka Marine World in Durban, South Africa, to Atlanta, after she outgrew her tank, aquarium spokesman Dave Santucci said.

On Friday, Nandi was released to test the waters before her official public debut Monday.

Manta rays are listed as a threatened species. The mammoth diamond-shaped animal has a black top and white bottom with wings that move gracefully up and down as they swim through the water.

How to scare a telemarketer! :Tom Mabe video

2008-08-26T22:45:00.004+01:00

This is just so funny! Do you ever get bothered by telemarketers? (silly question I know - who doesn't!), well I found this great video on Sjeltur's blog and just had to share it. Here's how to really scare a telemarketer the Tom Mabe way!

How to take a shower!!!

2008-08-21T15:55:00.007+01:00

I was going to keep this for the Monday Merriment post, but I can't wait that long - it's just too good not to share :-)

PART 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
*
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
*
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the
mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
*
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
*
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
*
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
*
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
*
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
*
Rinse conditioner off hair.
*
Shave armpits and legs.
*
Turn off shower.
*
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
*
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
*
Get out of shower.
*
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent
towel.
*
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
*
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
*
PART 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
*
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.
*
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy
at her while making the woo-hoo sound.
*
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. A dmire the size of your willy
and scratch your butt.
*
Get in the shower.
*
Wash your face.
*
Wash your armpits.
*
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
*
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
*
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
*
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
*
Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
*
Pee.
*
Rinse off and get out of shower.
*
Partially dry off.
*
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.
*
Admire willy size in mirror again.
*
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
*
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass the wife, pull
off towel, shake willy at her and make the woo-hoo sound again.
*
Throw wet towel on her pillow.
*
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something SO very wrong with you.
*

* *
Have a great day!
* *

*
Oh, and... **Woo-hoo!!!

No 10 Downing Street & Jeremy Clarkson for PM video plus Clarkson & the worlds smallest car video!

2008-08-20T11:30:00.012+01:00

Staff at No 10 Downing Street have made a YouTube video in response to an online petition on the No 10 website, which had nearly 50,000 signatures backing a call for Motoring broadcaster Jeremy Clarkson of the BBC programme Top Gear to be made Prime Minister.

The clip thanks everyone who signed the online petition and says officials have "thought long and hard" about it. The camera then pans up the famous Downing Street stairs, showing photographs of former prime ministers, before focusing on an image of Mr Clarkson.

The Jeremy Clarkson for PM petition is now closed but more than 100,000 people have joined a Facebook group calling for the outspoken presenter to be installed in Downing Street.

Mr Clarkson - whose views on motoring and the environment have earned him a cult following - recently confessed he would be a "rubbish" prime minister, adding that the government should be in charge of "building park benches and nothing else".

A new Downing Street petition urging the government not to bestow a knighthood on Mr Clarkson "until he has done something truly worthwhile and of benefit to the UK" has received so far 34 signatures.

For anyone not familiar with Jeremy Clarkson here is a hysterically funny video of him driving the worlds smallest car around the streets of London (not to mention the BBC offices!) If you've never seen this you'll be amazed :-)

Jesus appears on Turtle Shell - for sale on eBay!

2008-08-18T19:54:00.015+01:00

It would appear the latest appearance of Jesus is on a turtle shell, which has been compared to the face on the Turin Shroud, and it's now on sale on Ebay starting at 99c and already had one bid on it! (Update: bidding has now finished - sold for $34.77!)

To quote the seller "Instead of going to church on Sunday a few months back I very selfishly decided to make some extra needed income at the local flea market.

As I took a break from my booth to do some personal shopping I came across an old lady selling turtle shells. I had never seen anyone selling these things before, so I curiously scattered through the box of hand size turtle shells to see why the heck someone would buy a hollowed out turtle in the first place. So I grabbed a couple of shells and looked at them. I wasn't too interested until I put them down belly side up and I noticed a silhouette of a face...JESUS...the Shroud of Turin Jesus was looking right at me. (Even if you look at the other side you can see a likeliness of Jesus as well).

I thought to myself " MAN! Just because I'd rather make a little extra cash on Sunday instead of going to church, God rubs it in my face by showing his Son's face on a turtle??" So I bought it because I was actually going to get it blessed and make some kind of religious art with it."

If you fancy putting in a bid for it yourself the link is HERE.

Some Monday Merriment: cause we all need a smile!

2008-08-18T15:08:00.007+01:00

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few
bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n
height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

***********************************************************************
It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.

He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.

Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.

"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."

Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.

One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"

"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.

***********************************************************************
This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse............Your call!

Is a computer male or female?

2008-08-18T09:37:00.003+01:00

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Create a word cloud graphic with new WORDLE!

2008-08-17T12:16:00.018+01:00

Gotta tell you about this really great fun site I have discovered thanks to J.H. of TPVSWP. Its called WORDLE. Wordle is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text that you provide. The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the source text. You can tweak your clouds with different fonts, layouts, and color schemes. The images you create with Wordle are yours to use however you like. You can print them out, or save them to the Wordle gallery to share with your friends. There are loads of combinations of fonts, colours, layout styles & background colours (Colour/Edit custom palette) you can create.

The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

Try putting in the URL of your blog or website and see what it generates, or a favourite piece of verse or text, such as the words to a song or poem (just copy & paste into the box). Keep hitting the randomize button until you find a look you like or customise with the options provided. If you have Vista you can use the Snipping Tool to create an image file to save to your hard drive, which you could use on your blog or website (Just bear in mind it will be a graphic so won't be searchable). Browse the gallery to see what others have created. Here's some I have created from my blogs, plus one from the words to the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam!

Tails of Terror from the Black Lagoon!

News, Views, Thrills & Spills!

The Most Exciting Venues of Beijing Olympics 2008

2008-08-17T10:45:00.001+01:00

Are you following the Olympics? Have you been impressed by the stadiums and venues we've seen? Like to know more? Then visit this website for some great details, statistics and pictures of the Bird Nest Stadium, the Watercube and the Rowing-Canoeing Park plus another 10 of the best. It's pretty impressive.

Win FREE AdSpace on 10 blogs!

2008-08-16T20:03:00.006+01:00

I can't wait to tell you about The AdSpace Contest I found!

The idea is simple and easy: Get as many entries as you can (very easy to do) over the next 30 days. The more entries you get, the better chance you have of winning! At the end of the 30 days, they announce the winner.

The prize?

A 125x125 pixel ad spot (above the fold) on at least TEN DIFFERENT BLOGS that will run for one month. That's at least a $100 value!

Who is co-hosting?

Geek Mom Mashup

Vrtualme

Jamaipanese

Best of Stupid

AxioBlog

The Big Bald Blog

Jason Boom

Unconventional Marketing Blog

Offended Blogger

GorillaSushi

How do you enter to win?

1 Entry - Subscribe to any one of the blogs above via email.

10 Entries - Write a post about the contest (must include links to all 10 hosts OR use the suggested text)

25 Entries - Offer up an ad spot on your own blog for one month as part of the prize package

Simply put, you could subscribe to all 10 blogs, write a post and offer up your own ad spot for a grand total of 45 entries!

Be sure to include your details in the comments HERE and when and how you've entered to ensure that your entries get counted.

Olympics '08: Michael Phelps Swims Into History

2008-08-16T11:40:00.003+01:00

WordPerfect Helpline Conversation (an oldie but a goody!)

2008-08-14T15:44:00.006+01:00

This is reputed to be actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee, apparently he was subsequently dismissed and sued the company for 'unfair dismissal'! Whatever the truth I'd like to think this conversation actually took place :-)

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power cut."

"A power... A power cut? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f-----g stupid to own a computer."

Chinese left with egg on face after truth emerges!

2008-08-13T17:52:00.003+01:00

Ha! So now it turns out that the pretty little girl singing at the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony was only miming (despite wearing a mike)- and not even to her own voice. Some poor little seven year old provided the voice but was deemed not pretty enough to project the right image the Communist party head honcho's wanted to portray.

Not only that, parts of the fireworks displays were either recorded earlier or actually graphically created on a computer! This has now all emerged after the Chinese Music Director for the ceremony was interviewed by the state radio station and confessed everything while denying it was his decision to replace the little girl. H had been made to do it he said.

Thats the problem with these types of regimes, image is everything and it's all about saving face. Unfortunately when it all comes out ( and it will, sooner or later - in this case it probably was a bit sooner than they expected) then they are left having to wipe a lot of egg off their faces and people no longer have any trust in them. And all you are left with as an observer is a bad taste in the mouth!

Cake or Bed?

2008-08-11T13:22:00.005+01:00

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
"FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "POWERGEN" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"

"FINE!"

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT"

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "FRIDGIDAIRE" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"

"FINE!" SHE SAYS
"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK"

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "TAYLOR WOODROW" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE "MR KIPLING" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

2008 Beijing Olympic Games Opening Ceremony

2008-08-10T16:27:00.018+01:00

For anyone who missed the opening ceremony of the Olympics in Beijing I've posted this slide show. It's the best I could find on YouTube, sadly all videos of the ceremony have been taken off for copyright reasons. But this is very good and will give you some idea of the colour and scale of it.

Unfortunately I don't think the music used is suitable (I happen to like Enigma - just not in this context!) so if you find it annoying just turn the sound down and enjoy the slide show. (If you do like the music its Sadeness by Enigma - Video here.) I have now found another superb slide show (this time with Chinese music) HERE.

A Few Thoughts on Cat Baths.........by the Cat!

2008-08-08T12:36:00.004+01:00

'But You Said You Loved Me!'

'You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.'

'You call this water warm???'

'I don't think I like you anymore.'

'You SUCK!!!!!!'

'E.T. phone home......quick!'

'No, I'm not your Good Little Kitty anymore.'

'Traction....I'm losing Traction!'

'I want my Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!'

'No, no, no, no.....NOOOO!!!!'

Enjoying retirement......

2008-08-07T09:53:00.004+01:00

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a Sh *thead . He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age......

And then the fight started...........

2008-08-07T09:36:00.003+01:00

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed overto my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a petrol station.....

And then the fight started....

*****************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. Itold the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, Do you know her? 'Yes,' I sighed, that's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

The Ten Laws of Computing

2008-08-05T12:13:00.008+01:00

1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural..

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

10 Alternative Laws of Computing

1. The more acronyms on a page, the harder the topic is to understand.

2. Inside every program is a small module struggling to find a life of its own.

3. Developeritus. Developers get their programs working perfectly on their machines, but they forget that their potential customers may have very different computer environments.

4. Computer project teams avoid monthly progress reporting because it demonstrates their lack of progress.

5. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the abilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

6. You will never solve any computer problem if you are in a bad mood.

7. When troubleshooting computer problems, people always assume that problem is the most obscure combination possible. Whereas, in reality the fault is invariably the simplest fault.

8. Every computer program expands to fill all the available memory.

9. If a computer supplier says a part is interchangeable, for example tape drives - they lie.

10. Remember that your computer makes as many mistakes in two pico seconds as fifty men working for a year.

Fascinating Facts 4 U!

2008-07-28T09:44:00.004+01:00

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that..)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Global Warming - the new religion?

2008-07-23T11:37:00.007+01:00

Earlier this month the Wall Street Journal published an interesting article by Bret Stephens entitled 'Global Warming as Mass Neurosis', in which he touches on how the message of the global warming crowd has strong elements of religiosity to it. Instead of God saving us, we'll find salvation by sacrificing ourselves to a false theory. I am posting it in full here as I think there is a definite correlation between the 'Global Warming' mania and religious mania, particularly that of the sack cloth and ashes variety. I make no apologies as anyone that thinks there is truly a scientific 'consensus' on global warming is being taken in by the media hype and may be surprised to find out the truth.

"Last week marked the 20th anniversary of the mass hysteria phenomenon known as global warming. Much of the science has since been discredited. Now it's time for political scientists, theologians and psychiatrists to weigh in.

What, discredited? Thousands of scientists insist otherwise, none more noisily than NASA's Jim Hansen, who first banged the gong with his June 23, 1988, congressional testimony (delivered with all the modesty of "99% confidence").

But mother nature has opinions of her own. NASA now begrudgingly confirms that the hottest year on record in the continental 48 was not 1998, as previously believed, but 1934, and that six of the 10 hottest years since 1880 antedate 1954. Data from 3,000 scientific robots in the world's oceans show there has been slight cooling in the past five years, never mind that "80% to 90% of global warming involves heating up ocean waters," according to a report by NPR's Richard Harris.

The Arctic ice cap may be thinning, but the extent of Antarctic sea ice has been expanding for years. At least as of February, last winter was the Northern Hemisphere's coldest in decades. In May, German climate modelers reported in the journal Nature that global warming is due for a decade-long vacation. But be not not-afraid, added the modelers: The inexorable march to apocalypse resumes in 2020.

This last item is, of course, a forecast, not an empirical observation. But it raises a useful question: If even slight global cooling remains evidence of global warming, what isn't evidence of global warming? What we have here is a nonfalsifiable hypothesis, logically indistinguishable from claims for the existence of God. This doesn't mean God doesn't exist, or that global warming isn't happening. It does mean it isn't science.

So let's stop fussing about the interpretation of ice core samples from the South Pole and temperature readings in the troposphere. The real place where discussions of global warming belong is in the realm of belief, and particularly the motives for belief. I see three mutually compatible explanations.

The first is as a vehicle of ideological convenience. Socialism may have failed as an economic theory, but global warming alarmism, with its dire warnings about the consequences of industry and consumerism, is equally a rebuke to capitalism. Take just about any other discredited leftist nostrum of yore – population control, higher taxes, a vast new regulatory regime, global economic redistribution, an enhanced role for the United Nations – and global warming provides a justification. One wonders what the left would make of a scientific "consensus" warning that some looming environmental crisis could only be averted if every college-educated woman bore six children: Thumbs to "patriarchal" science; curtains to the species.

A second explanation is theological. Surely it is no accident that the principal catastrophe predicted by global warming alarmists is diluvian in nature. Surely it is not a coincidence that modern-day environmentalists are awfully biblical in their critique of the depredations of modern society: "And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart." That's Genesis, but it sounds like Jim Hansen.

And surely it is in keeping with this essentially religious outlook that the "solutions" chiefly offered to global warming involve radical changes to personal behavior, all of them with an ascetic, virtue-centric bent: drive less, buy less, walk lightly upon the earth and so on. A light carbon footprint has become the 21st-century equivalent of sexual abstinence.

Finally, there is a psychological explanation. Listen carefully to the global warming alarmists, and the main theme that emerges is that what the developed world needs is a large dose of penance. What's remarkable is the extent to which penance sells among a mostly secular audience. What is there to be penitent about?

As it turns out, a lot, at least if you're inclined to believe that our successes are undeserved and that prosperity is morally suspect. In this view, global warming is nature's great comeuppance, affirming as nothing else our guilty conscience for our worldly success.

In "The Varieties of Religious Experience," William James distinguishes between healthy, life-affirming religion and the monastically inclined, "morbid-minded" religion of the sick-souled. Global warming is sick-souled religion."

Link: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB121486841811817591.html?mod=todays_columnists

If you got this far you may also like to read an interesting article describing the kind of censorship and intimidation going on in order to stifle any debate or contrary opinion in the scientific community.

This weeks Strange but True!

2008-07-23T07:18:00.004+01:00

Man arrested for sex attacks on sheep!

Apparently London police arrested a man on Friday on suspicion of carrying out a series of sex attacks on sheep.

The 27-year-old man was held at his home in Dulwich, south London, on suspicion of bestiality with sheep. He was also wanted in connection with the possession of drugs with intent to supply. (That probably explains a lot!) Detectives said the arrest followed allegations made to them in May and June.

"Two male joggers said they had observed a man molesting the sheep in a field at Botany Bay Lane, Chislehurst," police said in a statement. "A similar incident was reported to police by a stables employee in the area."

Media reports said the man had been barred from visiting farmland while officers carried out their investigation.

Man dies urinating on live rail

In another strange but true story this week a man was killed at a busy railway station when he reportedly urinated on the track.

British Transport Police confirmed the 41-year-old was electrocuted at Vauxhall station in south London after he walked on to the track from Platform 1. According to reports, the Polish tourist went to find somewhere discreet to go to the toilet but his urine splashed on to the live rail. He was said to be a married teacher who was visiting the UK to improve his English. According to the BTP up to 60 people are killed on live rails every year.

Discover the Snipping Tool in Windows Vista

2008-07-22T09:16:00.008+01:00

Before Windows Vista, if you wanted to take a screen shot of part or all of your screen you had to use the print screen key and paste the screen shot into a graphics program to add markup and save it. With Windows Vista, Microsoft has included a utility called the Snipping Tool to make capturing screen shots easier. If you have not already discovered this handy little tool here's how to use it.

(Note: The Snipping tool is not available in Windows Vista Home Basic Edition. It comes with Vista Home Premium, Business, Enterprise, or Ultimate Editions.)

Click on the Start Menu and start typing "snipping" into the search box.

Snipping Tool should show up in the Programs list above the search box, and you can click on it to start it.

The Snipping Tool window will appear on your screen. You may move it to an edge of the screen so it's not in your way, but it will also disappear when you start dragging a selection area.

The Snipping Tool assumes you want to create a new clipping as soon as you open it. Your screen will dim, and you can click and drag your cursor to select an area to copy. As you drag, the selected area will be darker, and surrounded by a red border if you've never changed the Snipping Tool options. (From experience I recommend you change these settings to get rid of the red border - instructions on how to do this are further on)

When you release the mouse button, the captured area will open in the Snipping Tool window. If you're not happy with the selection and need to try again, click the "New" button.

You can use the mouse or pen to capture any of the following types of snips:

Free-form Snip. Draw an irregular line, such as a circle or a triangle, around an object.

Rectangular Snip. Draw a precise line by dragging the cursor around an object to form a rectangle.

Window Snip. Select a window, such as a browser window or dialog box, that you want to capture.

Full-screen Snip. Capture the entire screen when you select this type of snip.
When you are happy with your clipping, press the second button to save the screen shot as an image file. After you capture a snip, it's automatically copied to the mark-up window, where you can annotate, save, or share the snip.

Here are some useful file format suggestions.

If your screen shot contains a limited number of colors and you want to retain crisp lines and keep the file size small, save as a GIF file. If your screen shot contains many colors and you want to retain crisp lines and full quality, save as a PNG file. If your screen shot contains many colors and you want to make the file size small, save as a JPEG file.

Before saving your screen shot, you can use the Pen and Highlighter tools in the Snipping Tool toolbar to add markup to your screen shot. The eraser tool will remove marks made with the Pen and Highlighter Tools.

You may email a screen shot without saving it by using the "Send To" button on the Snipping Tool toolbar.

Go to Tools > Options to change the way the Snipping Tool operates. For instance, you can change the color of the selection outline by selecting a new ink color, or turn the outline off entirely by unchecking the box for "Show selection ink after snips are captured."

Also, when Snipping Tool is open, a white overlay appears on your screen until you capture a snip. To turn off the overlay, open Snipping Tool, and then click Options. In the Snipping Tool Options dialog box, clear the Show screen overlay when Snipping Tool is active check box, and then click OK.

Enable the option "Display icon in the Quick Launch toolbar" if you want to keep the Snipping Tool handy for quick access.

I'm still waiting!

2008-07-21T14:02:00.007+01:00

I did what you told me ....
I sent the email to 10 people like you said.
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.

For all my friends who in the last year sent me 'best wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THAT SH!T WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send money, vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers, stamps, canned food and airline tickets instead?
Thank you!

Cool Music Video with Apple Mac graphics

2008-07-17T17:28:00.009+01:00

A really cool music video with clever graphics done on a MAC. The music isn't bad either, its "Again & Again" by the Bird & the Bee.

Another fine example of Politically Correct idiocy!

2008-06-27T15:58:00.006+01:00

Asda have refused to print a baby snap of a woman's son for a 21st birthday cake... because he's naked.

When Gail Jordan asked staff at the Liscard,Wirral branch of Asda, she was told that because of the stores no nudity policy they were unable to make a special birthday cake for her son David's 21st Birthday. They finally allowed her to use the picture after she agreed to a star being placed over the offending bare bottom.

But Miss Jordan said she still believed Asda's policy was too strict.

'You see adverts all the time for things like nappies and baby wipes which feature babies' bottoms, so what's the difference?' she said. 'I just think it's ridiculous that my son's cake had to be censored.

'It's sad that because of the world we live in such an innocent photograph could be misinterpreted as something perverted. It's crazy how politically correct the world has become.'

Her son, who works at a bookmakers, added: 'It's just my bare bum, it's obviously totally harmless. It's stupid that they could suggest something so innocent could be pornographic.'

A spokesman for Asda confirmed its blanket ban on bare flesh.

'We have a policy, as do many other retailers, of no nudity, whatever the age of the subject,' he said. 'In this case we offered a number of alternatives including enlarging and cropping the photo, increasing the border size or applying a strategically placed star to save his blushes'.

To the best of my knowledge babies are born into this world naked. This is entirely natural. That Asda sees the picture of a young infant on a family birthday cake as a pornographic object speaks volumes for their own state of mind. Any normal, well balanced person (98% of us) understands that it is simply harmless fun.

This is yet another seemingly minor example of society being forced down a path of mistrust where humour and harmless mischief are seen to be a sinister cloak for more devious behaviour by the paranoid 2%. The sad thing is that these 2% are starting to control our lives and yet we appear to lack the will to fight back. I think it's time for the pendulum of political incorrectness to start swinging back once again.

Because if you think that was bad enough, you ain't seen anything yet!

According to forthcoming government policies, parents will need permission to kiss their own children in public or to take them to the local swimming pool.

This article describes how one woman was told she couldn't kiss her daughter goodbye on a school trip because she'd not been vetted.

Scary, isn't it?

What you need to know about wind turbines as UK Government plans to spend £100 Billion on them

2008-06-26T11:49:00.014+01:00

In response to EU requirements, the Government is today publishing its plans for a massive new drive to build thousands of wind turbines, at the staggering cost of £100 Billion. This is to enable them to meet a target set by the EU, which requires Britain within the next 12 years to generate 38 per cent of our electricity from 'renewable' energy sources.

At present, barely 1 per cent of this country's power comes from the 2,000 wind turbines already built - less than the output of a single conventional power station. To comply with the EU's wishes, we would actually need to build at least 30,000 turbines.

In fact, as the Government knows, there is not the remotest chance that we can meet that EU target, which is why it talks about building only 10,500 new turbines - 7,000 offshore, another 3,500 across our countryside. On its own figures, the Government is already implicitly admitting that we shall hopelessly miss our target. Of course, ministers do not tell us that.

But this is only the start of the madness. There isn't, in fact, the faintest chance that we can meet even the Government's own much smaller target. To build those turbines offshore alone would mean lowering 7,000 colossal steel structures into the seabed, each the size of Blackpool Tower, at a rate of more than two every working day between now and 2020. In practical terms alone this is sheer pie-in-the-sky. The technical resources are simply not available to achieve more than a tiny fraction of this figure.

But there is another important point the Government is trying to conceal about this crackpot policy, as it always does when it is talking in Walter Mitty numbers about the supposed benefits of wind power.

To continue reading this interesting article by Christopher Booker click HERE

New UK bill discriminates against white males!

2008-06-26T10:09:00.016+01:00

Well this government has finally lost its marbles! Harriet Harman, the Equalities Minister, is about to introduce a Bill that allows positive discrimination out of the bag. It failed in America and it will cause more harm than good here. The Equality Bill before parliament today gives employers the right to choose an ethnic minority candidate or female candidate over another, a white male, specifically because they are an ethnic minority or female. Miss Harman will be keen to stress that businesses will not be compelled to favour the woman or the black candidate, but the law will be changed to ensure they could not be sued for turning down a white man. What is this if not discrimination of a sort?

This is a mistake. A company should recruit on talent and that's that. If it discriminates on grounds of race or gender it is stupid and deserves everything it gets. Positive discrimination is a sure fire way to create resentment and will tend to only increase prejudices, if the Daily Express front page today is anything to go by: 'White men face jobs ban as new law favours ethnic minorities and women'.

Responding to criticism that the plans could discriminate against white men, Harman said "you don't get progress if there isn't a bit of a push forward." So one group suffers while another gets preferential treatment, so much for equality in the workplace.

It's also interesting that Harman is wheeling out the accusation that it's ingrained prejudice in business that is causing the gender pay gap. She must have forgotten the government's own Women and Work Commission, which was quite clear that this was not the overriding problem when it came out in 2006. Rather, it said better education for women was the key. Interesting that it no longer seems to be available on line (or am I just being paranoid?).

It also shows that Harriet Harman has absolutely no understanding of the European Convention on Human Rights(ECHR) and the Human Rights Act(HRA) that brought it into British law. The ECHR and HRA ban any form of discrimination on grounds of race or gender, the first time this new act is challenged in court it will be ruled incompatible with the ECHR and HRA and this will leave the employer who followed the act facing at least a six figure bill and more likely seven!

If the reaction to the headlines in my office is anything to go by, the anger being felt around the country will have serious repercussions and this government is storing up big trouble for itself, just another nail in its coffin and sooner or later the Sword of Damocles will fall. Unfortunately in the meantime, its the country that suffers yet again for their politically correct misguided ideas.

For more information on the new Equality Bill & Harriet Harman click HERE

Harriet Harman is the woman who couldnt wait to implement an EU Directive banning barmaids from being chatted up - bet you didn't know about that one eh?

How the EU is going to ride roughshod over Irish NO vote

2008-06-25T17:51:00.008+01:00

1. EU leaders carry on with Lisbon Treaty regardless of Irish no vote

On 12 June, voters in Ireland rejected the EU Lisbon Treaty by 46.6% to 53.4% in a national referendum. Turnout was relatively high, at 53%.

However, despite the resounding no vote, EU leaders meeting in Brussels last week decided to press ahead regardless, agreeing that ratification of the Treaty should continue in other countries. They also agreed that Irish voters should eventually be asked to vote again, until they say 'yes'.

Despite claiming that they want to "respect" the Irish no vote, EU leaders across the whole of Europe have no intention of doing so. They are determined to press ahead with the Lisbon Treaty.

Here are just some of the extraordinary reactions to the Irish vote from Europe's leaders:

"They [the Irish] are bloody fools. They have been stuffing their faces at Europe's expense for years and now they dump us in the s***."
- Nicolas Sarkozy, French President (Times, 20 June)

"The Lisbon Treaty is not dead... It is imperative that they vote again."
- Valery Giscard d'Estaing, former French President and author of the EU Constitution (RTL, 19 June)

"I don't think you can say the treaty of Lisbon is dead even if the ratification process will be delayed."
- Jean-Pierre Jouyet, French Europe Minister (Reuters, 16 June)

"I am convinced that we need this Treaty. Therefore we are sticking with our goal for it to come into force. The ratification process must continue."
- Frank-Walter Steinmeier, German Foreign Minister (Reuters, 14 June)

"Of course we have to take the Irish referendum seriously. But a few million Irish cannot decide on behalf of 495 million Europeans."
- Wolfgang Schaeuble, German Interior Minister (Deutsche Welle, 15 June)

"We think it is a real cheek that the country that has benefited most from the EU should do this. There is no other Europe than this treaty. With all respect for the Irish vote, we cannot allow the huge majority of Europe to be duped by a minority of a minority of a minority."
- Axel Schäfer, SPD leader in the German Bundestag (Irish Times, 14 June)

The Treaty "will be applied, albeit a few months late."
- Lopez Garrido, Spanish Europe Minister (Forbes, 15 June)

"The Treaty is not dead. The Treaty is alive, and we will try to work to find a solution."
- Jose Barroso, European Commission President (Press Conference, 14 June)

To see more, click here: http://www.openeurope.org.uk/research/irelandbriefing.pdf
This is an extraordinary refusal to accept the democratic will of the people. Ireland has been the only country allowed to have a referendum on the Treaty, and has said no. By the EU's own rules, the Treaty can only enter into force if all 27 member states have ratified it. Therefore, the Treaty should now be dead. It is completely unacceptable that other countries are continuing to ratify the Treaty in the hope of forcing Ireland to vote again, under pressure from the prospect of 26 other countries having ratified it. EU leaders are proving once again that they are simply unable to take 'no' for an answer.

2. Petition against UK ratification gains 26,000 signatures in under a week

Following the no vote, a petition was set up on the Downing Street website, urging Gordon Brown to respect the Irish decision and stop ratification of the Lisbon Treaty in the UK. In only 6 days, the petition received over 26,000 signatures, making it the fastest growing online petition (now closed).

Despite this, ratification continued, with the House of Lords last week voting in favour of the Treaty. The final stage of ratification in the UK will now take place once the Government has heard the verdict of Stuart Wheeler's court case, who is fighting against the Government's refusal to hold a referendum. The outcome of the case is expected this week.

3. What you can do now

Of all 27 EU member states, the Czech Republic is the only country which appears ready to accept the Irish no vote. Czech President Vaclav Klaus called the vote a "victory of freedom and reason" and said "ratification cannot continue", and Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek has said, "The Irish 'No' is not of a lesser impact for us than the French and Dutch 'No'."

Despite pressure from all the other EU leaders at the summit in Brussels last week, Mr. Topolanek objected to a declaration calling for rapid ratifications in the seven other countries - including his own - that are yet to agree the Treaty.

The Czech Senate has stalled ratification to await a constitutional court ruling on the Lisbon Treaty and Mr. Topolanek said: "If the vote was today, I would not bet 100 crowns [about £3] on a yes vote."

Please write to Czech Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek, offering him your support and letting him know he is not alone, despite the immense pressure he is under from other EU leaders to continue to ratify the Treaty regardless of the Irish no vote.

You can contact him here: topolanek.mirek@vlada.cz

4. What happens next?

The Irish no vote has bought time, but the struggle is far from over. The I WANT A REFERENDUM campaign team continues to fight the battle for democracy on all fronts. You can find much of the work they do at the OPEN EUROPE website. Please also dIsplay this banner on your website or blog to encourage other people to get involved.

He said.......She said

2008-06-25T11:46:00.005+01:00

This is a PC Free Zone

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . ..What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q..Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

We've all spoken to him!

2008-06-25T11:20:00.005+01:00

Want a Label Cloud for Blogger?

2008-06-24T09:31:00.011+01:00

Got a Blogger blog? Lots of labels?, too many in fact to display in a long list as provided by Blogger? Fancy one of those nice label clouds you can see on other blogs?

Well now you can have one too. This website gives detailed, easy instructions on just how to do it. It consists of 3 pieces of html code to insert into your existing code which takes minutes, and instruction for changing variables such as font colour & size, restricting labels displayed to those with more than one instance etc are provided as well.

Want to turn off Snap Shots?

2008-06-23T21:20:00.010+01:00

I like Snap Shots, in fact I've used them on this blog for relevent links, but I accept that a lot of people would prefer not to see them on websites and blogs they visit so......

Here’s how to prevent Snap Shot enabled Web sites from popping up those Snap Shot windows:

Go to a Web site that uses Snap Shot

Roll over a link and let Snap Shot go to work

On the pop-up that appears, roll your cursor over the icon in the upper-right corner (the one that looks like a sprocket); it will drop down a menu with “Options” and “Disable”

Click “Options”

On the Options menu that appears, check Disable for “ALL sites”

Click “Save”

In theory, that will stop Snap Shot from working anywhere you find it. In reality, it just slows it down, because Snap Shots always seem to come back at some point.

I think it’s based on cookies, so when you disable Snap Shot like this, it works until you clear your cookies. After clearing your cookies, the “Disable” setting will also be cleared and you’ll have go through this procedure again.

Blog of the Week: Midlife Gals (tm)

2008-06-23T19:53:00.008+01:00

Today I came across a great blog and I'm making it my Blog of the Week! It's the Midlife Gals (tm), written by KK & SalGal, two sisters living in Texas with their ageing mother 'The Ancient One'. They describe themselves as twisted midlifers, prancing their way through life with irreverence, humor and insight. Their blog is very funny, with great Seinfeldian daily observations. I highly recommend you give it a visit, especially if you are a 'Midlifer' yourself.

They also have about 20 videos on YouTube many with their own hilarious film reviews of new movies.

Go visit :-)

Meetings! Don't ya just love em?

2008-06-23T16:55:00.004+01:00

Car for sale ............Blue VW Golf

2008-06-23T16:42:00.007+01:00

The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper..!

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Please see photo below..........

E-Mail Forwarding!

2008-06-23T15:40:00.003+01:00

For those of you who are sick of getting e-mails that tell you to forward it to at least X number of people in the next 15 minutes so that wonderful things and miracles will happen if you do, or there will be serious consequences if you don't, then you will enjoy this.

This is hilarious! (and it's ABOUT TIME someone did this!) CLICK HERE!!!

Two glasses of wine!

2008-06-23T15:20:00.002+01:00

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine....

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff , you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend."

Tommy Cooper style jokes!

2008-06-23T15:06:00.004+01:00

1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key...

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I
couldn't find any

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks
are too high.

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know
you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual..'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have
a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him
down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
other one says 'So are you, you fat ba*tard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine..'
So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb As digging continues into the night!

A Geography Lesson

2008-06-23T09:25:00.031+01:00

A) FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.

- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontiers. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...

B) MALE GEOGRAPHY

Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a dick...

A lesson learned

2008-06-23T09:08:00.004+01:00

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying and watching football ALL DAY with the boys
and drinking himself into a stupor. When he finally returned home on
Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of ranting and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her..............
.
.
.
.
.
.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.